Dream a Little Dream

Well, I had no doubt that the obsession would continue.

Yesterday I became convinced that I was not pregnant. I just knew that I wasn't. I had no doubt. My temperature dropped .2 from the day before, still well above my coverline, but I still became convinced it was a sign. I decided I didn't have enough CM either. I started convincing myself that it was ok because maybe I needed to have a full cycle with this extra dose of folic acid anyway. I was only 9 days past ovulation, with a luteal phase normally 13-16 days, but I knew it was over.

Now here I am today, and I've done an almost complete 180. And why is that? Because of a dream. A silly little dream. I had one of the pregnancy test dreams. Where you're looking down at it and very distinctly you see either one line or two. I have these dreams all the time when I'm trying to conceive. They seem so real and so vivid. So there I was last night in my dream, staring down at the pregnancy test (the I supposedly took 15 dpo, in 5 more days) and it was clearly positive. I don't remember too much else about it. I know I was excited, but I can't remember anything else.

Like I said, I always have these dreams. But now I'm obsessing even more - do I usually have BFP (big fat positive) dreams when I'm pregnant, or BFN (big fat negative) dreams? I can't remember. I think I had a BFN dream last time I was pregnant, followed shortly after by a BFP dream right before I tested positive. So that doesn't mean anything! But put this dream with my temperature going back up those two tenths, and of course I'm thinking about it. I can't help it.

Dreams do come true sometimes, right?

The Big Announcement

Last Wednesday, while in San Diego, I got THE email. The one I knew was coming anyway, but the one that still hurt like anything.

Less than two months after my last miscarriage, my best friend went through IVF and told me that it was successful - she was pregnant. That was one of the hardest things to hear for many reasons. I was of course still completely devastated by my third loss, so hearing about anyone being pregnant was hard. It still is. I was also extremely jealous because she already has a 6 year old daughter and a 1 1/2 year old adopted daughter. After her first routine pregnancy with her first daughter, she had been trying to get pregnant for about 4 years and had tried IVF before. After the first failed attempt, she adopted her little one. But then they kept trying and decided to give IVF one more go before adopting again. And it worked. I am extremely happy for her, I really am. It's a wonderful thing for her and they are great parents. It is so nice to see her finally pregnant after this long struggle.

But it also completely sucks for me. The selfish feelings definitely come into play. Of course the timing was terrible. Why now? Why does this happen after everything I have been through? Why does she get to have another one when I can't even have one child? I was so extremely, incredibly jealous - well, I still am. Of course I had no doubt that things would go ok for her. She's never had a problem staying pregnant, just getting pregnant. So I had no doubt that this one would stick. I actually needed it to stick, because I knew I couldn't be strong enough to help her through a loss.

So as the weeks went by after she told me, I was the good friend. I comforted her when she worried about HCG levels and I listened to her worry about multiples. All the while it was extremely hard and she knew it was for me, but I insisted that I needed to be in the loop. I didn't want to be thrown off guard later. I wanted to always know what was happening with her. At her 7 or 8 week appointment, she found out she was having twins. If she hadn't called me during a work function, I know I would have lost it (again). Now she gets to have twins too? Yes, I was completely jealous. How could I possibly help it?

So for the next couple of weeks after that, we had some heart-to-heart talks and we went on a girls trip with two of our other friends and I really held it together ok. After thr trip, we didn't talk too much due to vacations and what-not. She lives in another city, so we don't see each other on a regular basis. So it's easier for me to break away when I need to. And I probably needed to at that point. I was in the middle of my struggles and appointments with the RE. She was excited for me, but I didn't want that. I didn't want her to be excited for me when I had a good doctor's appointment, because it really didn't matter right then - I still wasn't pregnant and she was!

And then on Wednesday, it happened. The one thing I had dreamed about during all three of my pregnancies. The big announcement to the world - I'm pregnant! It crushed me like a ton of bricks when I saw the email. Of course I had already known for 8 weeks, but it was still a terrible moment. A horrible reminder that all three of my pregnancies had ended before I ever had a chance to tell all of my friends. I had never made it to that point and it was something I so desperately desired. Each time I found out I was pregnant, I got out my calendar and counted off the weeks to figure out when I would be 12 weeks along. I had the date burned into my brain. I couldn't wait for that opportunity to share the news I was secretly keeping. And it never happened. Each time, I experienced a devastating loss.

I know I may get my chance in the future. I'm aware of that. But for now, that doesn't keep away the incredible pain and jealousy at everyone else's good fortune. I think I'll have my turn someday and in the end I'm so happy for my best friend and the others that are pregnant. But for now, these are my feelings. This is my life and this is where I'm at. Luckily, most everyone understands that and knows that I can't show extreme happiness on the outside. That I can't sit and talk about babies, babies, babies. Well, most everyone knows that. I know one day this too shall pass, but for now, it hurts. It hurts worse than anything in the world to me.

It's just like riding a bike

If you've never been to Yosemite, you have to go. Now! Stop reading this blog, turn off the computer, pack some hiking shoes or sneakers, grab your loved ones and go! So many people always told me that I needed to go to Yosemite. But I'm not a very outdoorsy person, and neither is John, so we never really gave it a second thought. But then one of John's good friends decided to get married in Yosemite, so we decided to go a day early and run around Yosemite. OMG! I can't even explain the beauty of that place!

We spent Friday hiking around Yosemite Valley (the easy hikes). It was perfect weather, bright blue skys. We saw the waterfalls and the mountains and it was just gorgeous. Then on Saturday, we drove up to Glacier Point. Talk about the most incredible view ever! It was amazing. We just sat there silently perched on a rock and looked out into the valley at the waterfalls below. I've never seen anything like it before. You could totally get lost in the beauty of it all, and everything negative in your life just escapes you. For the first time in a very long time, my mind wasn't focused on TTC or my unhappiness about our baby situation. I just focused on the incredible sights before me and thanked God that I actually got a chance to see this. I soaked it all in as much as I could. I'm sad I had to leave at all - I hope I have the opportunity to go back.

I feel like I really cleared my mind over the weekend. It's not to say that I didn't think about TTC at all, but there was so much other stuff to focus on. Yes, it made me sad when I saw a girl at the wedding who was happily pregnant and due in October. Yes, it made me sad to see the little hiker children latching onto their parents. But I finally didn't focus all of my attention on it. They were passing thoughts that didn't get me down. Even on the way home, with two newborn babies sitting within two rows of me, I actually smiled and thought to myself "I want one too". But in a happy way, not in a get-depressed-and-incredibly-jealous way. I'm sure those feelings will come back again, but I felt a great calm over me for the first time in a long time. Like everything would really be ok.

But I can't lie and say that the weekend didn't have any sadness at all. Besides those passing thoughts about the pregnant woman or the little hikers, I did get very sad while John and I were bike riding by our lodge. I haven't been on a bike since Hawaii 4 years ago when we rode down a mountain. But that was almost all downhill and was pretty easy to do. And so as I struggled on the bike Saturday, I thought to myself how much harder this was as I got older. And then I thought about my own mother and how she doesn't go swimming, doesn't ride roller coasters and is afraid of just about everything. She's lots of fun in general, but has never been adventurous, although she constantly tells me that she wasn't always like that. That when she was younger, she did all of these things too. She was 23 when she had me (21 when she had my brother), but she still "outgrew" all of this stuff by the time we were kids and were ready to do them ourselves.

That's when I got really sad. I'm not an incredibly active 32 year old, but I still consider myself to be somewhat adventurous. But I got scared on that bike on Saturday. I felt old. I started to worry that all these things I love - that I won't be able to do them with my children. That I'll just be too old. It made me sad. It made me long for a child as soon as possible. I want to experience all of these things with my children, I don't want to be sitting on the sidelines. I want to hike down a mountain in Yosemite, I want to swim in the ocean and not be afraid, I want to ride roller coasters and bike down mountains, and do all of that stuff. I guess I just felt the biological clock ticking loudly. I know if I take care of myself I can probably be healthy enough to do these things, but I just don't want to be afraid to do them.

I'm ok though. It made me sad and yearning, but I know there's nothing I can do at this point. It is what it is. It's out of my hands for now.

June Gloom

I've been out in San Diego for a few days for work, and the weather is in what they call "June Gloom". Granted, it's storming like crazy in Houston so I'm glad I'm not there, but this gloom is driving me crazy. In California you expect sunny weather and this is just downright depressing to me. I hate blaming the weather for my mood swings, but in this case I think it's justified. I'm gloomy!

I've been a bit frustrated with my cycle for the past week, because I wasn't quite sure when/if I ovulated or not. I realized how much smoother everything went when it really didn't matter. When I was charting but not trying to conceive, my cycles seemed a little more stable and predictable. There was a clear ovulation pattern. And then this month - who knows! I'm sure it's partly due to stress, and possibly the giant increase in folic acid. Who knows how that would really affect my temps. I was pretty sure I ovulated on cycle day 13 (which is a little earlier than usual), but after a few days of mid-range temps, I became less convinced. I think I now ovulated on either day 18 or 19.

I've become obsessed with my cycle this month! I'm crazy-TTC woman! Did I ovulate here or there? Let me ask the opinion of everyone I know on FF. Let me post my chart in the VIP circle and see what they think. Let me completely freak out when they misconstrue my question and don't give me an O date opinion, but rather tell me that they can't give me medical advice about my folic acid. Uggg! I almost forgot what this was like during my break. Was I like this every other time we were trying?

But in the end, I realize that it really does not matter when I ovulated! John was home, so we got to BD during the right times - no worries there. We still have our 20% shot at conceiving. If I am pregnant, my due date might be off about a week, but so what? Of course now I don't know when to test to see if I am pregnant, but even that's ok. I'll figure it out sooner or later with the arrival or absence of my less-than-favorite Aunt Flo. It'll all work out in the end! I can't obsess about everything.

Of course I'm silly to think this post ends my obsession. I'll continue to obsess forever. That's human nature, right? We want to be in control. We want to plan. But trying to have a baby just doesn't always work that way. So many life lessons in this!

Well, even though there's no sun, the June Gloom still has me reflecting on a lot about life in general. It's part of my soul searching that I always do in the wake of a tragedy. I guess it's just part of the healing process. I need a few days for the gloom to lift - it comes in cycles, I know this by now. I'm intentionally not calling a couple of friends back or responding to emails because I just don't want to talk about anything. I wouldn't mind chatting with my TTC friends on the message board, but due to the work situation right now, I can't really get in there. Maybe that's ok for a few days - maybe I need a break from thinking so much about everything. A Yosemite vacation this weekend should cure me, and then I'll be ready to start the obsessing all over again on Monday. Well, at least I can try to plan my obsessing!

Beware the Ides of March

Back in high school, a friend and I had a month we always dreaded - April. It seemed like to us that if anything really bad was going to happen, it would be in April. Of course back then something bad meant that your boyfriend broke up with you, or you got in trouble in class, you did bad on a test, etc. But for several years, we always dreaded the month of April. Since that time, April has become a very special month to me. I got married in April, so I always look forward to it now.

But even now, I still have a dreaded month - March. Ever since I've gotten married, I HATE the month of March. For three years, the month of March has brought nothing but bad things. It used to be a great month - my father and my brother were born in March, my beloved lated Nana was born in March, my step father was born in March, my wedding shower and bachelorette party was in March. It was always a happy, celebratory month. But not so anymore.

In March of 2002, the first March where we had been married, my husband had a bad accident at home where he fell off a ladder in the driveway. He broke both bones in his arm at his wrist and had two surgeries and multiple pins and casts. It was pretty bad and he was in the hospital for a couple of days. The next March, 2003, I was checked into the hospital to have a D&C for my first miscarriage. The next March, this year, I was again checked into the hospital for another D&C, after my third miscarriage. March is the month of hospitals now. I dread next March. I don't really consider myself too superstitious of a person, but I know I am a little (don't ever jinx anything at work, I'll get on you for that!). And I just know there will be a hospital visit next March.

So that brings me to now. If I did get pregnant this month and I did carry my baby to term, guess when my due date would be? March. And I'd have to be checked into the hospital to have a baby, right? So that could be a good hospital visit. I know my chances of getting pregnant this month are like 20%, but a girl can dream, right? I know that if I get pregnant later this year and stay pregnant, that next March will be a nightmare for me. I'll always be worrying that something will go wrong. I know that probably sounds pretty stupid to most people, but I can't help it. I think about these things. Ok, I obsess about these things.

Anyway, needless to say, I'm hoping for a March baby. Maybe it will relieve me of this silly superstition about the month of March. April turned around well for me in the long run, so I'm hoping March can too. Of course, March will have to be replaced with another dreaded month. Maybe it should be October - each one seems to make me older!

What am I getting myself into?

So it looks like I probably just ovulated. Now my head is spinning a bit and I can't believe that I have officially begun my fourth attempt to have a baby. Is it possible that it's already time? The last miscarriage seems like it was just yesterday. Am I really ready for this? Has the extra folic acid even absorbed yet? I'm freaking out over here!

I know I'll be fine in the long run and it's just anxiety from starting all over again. It's fear of the unknown. It's fear of the known too - I don't want to ever be back in this very sad place again. It's also a complete focus shift. Over the last few months I've charted, but I didn't need to worry about when I ovulated, did we baby dance at the right time, the two week wait, buying pregnancy tests - or another miscarriage. Life was a little sad, but it was simple - choosing a color for the bedroom, buying condoms that didn't smell too much like rubber, taking fun vacations, enjoying alcoholic beverages... Simple stuff!

I know it's just anxiety. I'm pretty calm on the outside, but on the inside my brain is completely scrambled. And I haven't even gotten into the two week wait yet! What am I going to be like in 10 days or so? I can't even imagine.

So I'm taking a deep breath, exhaling slowly, and trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I can do this. I can handle this. I will get through this.

Too much of a good thing?

Knowledge is power, right? But everyone agrees that too much power is not a good thing. So is too much knowledge bad too?

I love the internet. I can find just about anything I want to here. If it wasn't for the internet, there's no way I could have healed as well as I have the last year and a half. I definitely depend on it daily and if it wasn't for the internet, I think my life would be completely different - and not in a good way.

Anytime I visit a doctor or have something going on with me related to pregnancy, my immediate reaction is to research it as much as I can on the internet. I'm starting to wonder if this is always a good thing. This morning I started researching the gene mutation I found out I have - MTHFR. My RE isn't particularly concerned about it and doesn't think it is causing my miscarriages, but he is bumping up my folic acid and B-6 intake just to do something different. That's about all he has said. But the internet - well, it talks about increased chances of heart disease and increased likelihood of having a baby with Downs or an NTD. Ok - that's pretty scary! So I try not to let it get to me too much - I can't control that, right?

So then I started researching the chromosome problem that caused our last loss - Triploidy. The information I found was mostly just informative and I didn't learn anything particularly interesting, just more about possible causes, all of which my doctor discussed with me already. I found a research paper that was written by someone and I was reading through it, learning nothing spectacular, and then the very last line just hit me like a ton of bricks - it meantioned that Triploidy is commonly preceded or followed by a molar pregnancy. What??? And that was it. Nothing else. No other information supporting that statement. How could you possibly end a paper with something as hard hitting as that? Now I need to know more. I've NEVER heard that before. Is it true? Am I going to have a molar pregnancy next?

So maybe I do need to take a step back from my research for a minute. There is no evidence this is true. There is nothing to say I will or will not have a molar pregnancy next. I think I need to put the power to rest for a bit and just relax and concentrate on getting pregnant first. There will be enough worries to come after that, I don't need anymore.

And so the journey begins....again

Yesterday I went to my doctor and heard those same words that I've heard twice before in the past year "It's ok to start trying again"...

Let me explain the reason that I'm here - "My name is Lauren and I suffer from recurrent miscarriages". For some people, this statement is almost like attending an AA meeting - something they want to keep anonymous and private. Some kind of secret that they want to keep deep inside and not let anyone know about. Something they suffer from traumatically and don't share with others. If there's one thing I've learned through all of my experiences, it's that miscarriage is nothing to be ashamed about at all. But before I get into all of that, here is my story.

In November of 2002, after a year and a half of marriage, my husband and I decided that it was almost time to start a family. After a visit to a general practitioner, I was advised to stay off birth control pills for about two months before we began trying for a child. So that month I threw away the pills and began my journey.

In January 2003 we began trying and in our second month, February, I learned that I was pregnant. We were completely overwhelmed. It happened so quickly that I think it almost scared my husband. I scheduled an appointment with a new OB/GYN and the earliest they would see me was at 8 weeks. I was 4 1/2 weeks and that seemed like an eternity. But we waited. My husband still was in shock and just wanted to wait until the appointment before he believed it. In the mean time, I read everything I could get my hands on. I told my parents and my closest friends. I was so excited about everything! But then I kept reading and learning more and more about the things that could go wrong. I felt in my heart that something was wrong - I just knew it. My mother and I would argue because of my negative attitude. But my heart told me not to be happy. I had no pregnancy symptoms, nothing to make me believe I was actually carrying a life in there.

At my 8 week appointment, I went in alone because my husband was out of town. And I learned the reality of my situation - there was no baby, just an empty sac. If you're in the TTC world, you know this as a blighted ovum. I was devastated. My world crumbled.

After a D&C and a lot of crying, fast forward to July. In June, we got the ok to start trying again. Again, on my second cycle of trying, I got a positive pregnancy test. The line was very light, so it concerned me a little. It was a Saturday, so I decided to test again on Monday morning and then call the doctor. On Monday, there was no second line. I don't know why, but I didn't call the doctor. After work that day, I went and bought a handful of additional pregnancy tests. Again, a negative that evening. The next morning - another negative. I finally called the doctor and they immediately called me in for a beta. It was positive but the numbers were very low. So I went in again two days later for another. I didn't even need to wait to hear for the results - my period started the next day and the pregnancy was over.

We got the "ok" this time to try again as soon as we wanted, since this miscarriage was so early. So after three disappointing cycles of clomid (which I hated and didn't make too much sense why my OB wanted me to take), I decided to take a break without any drugs and see what happens naturally - I seemed to have more luck without medicine the first two times. On my second non-clomid cycle (see a pattern here?) I became pregnant again.

This pregnancy was different. I immediately called the doctor and went in for betas. The numbers were doubling beautifully. I felt great - very positive. My symptoms were never strong, but I knew everything would be ok. And the 8 week ultrasound appointment finally got here. My husband was able to go with me, and sure enough, we saw a little life with a beating heart measuring 7 weeks, 6 days. It was probably the best day of my life. Reality sunk in - "we're having a baby"! I made it so far this time. I was on cloud nine.

Unfortunately, what I didn't know then is that my precious angel had three sets of genes instead of two. My baby had no chance of survival. At 8 weeks, 1 day, our baby went to heaven. I began spotting at 9 weeks, 6 days, just 3 days before my next ultrasound. By the next day, the bleeding was heavier. An ultrasound confirmed that my baby had died and I was scheduled for an immediate D&C before I had a natural miscarriage. They wanted to do genetic testing, which is how we found out about the chromosome problem.

So here I am again. After a referral to an RE and what seemed like a million standard tests, everything looks fine and I've gotten the ok to try one more time. I'm happy and I'm ready, but this time is different. This is my last shot at naturally having a child. My RE will not allow me to get pregnant on my own again if this pregnancy results in a miscarriage. If that happens, we will move to IVF, possibly only with donor eggs. At the ripe old age of 32, my doctor fears that my eggs may be prematurely aging. But we have to try one more time. I'm scared about all that, but I'm also hopeful.

That's my story. What I have skipped is everything emotional about miscarrying. If you've read this so far, you see some heartbreak, but I haven't even scratched the surface of what it's actually like to go through a miscarriage (or three). If you've never experienced one, I'm sorry to say this, but you have no idea of what it's like. I had friends who had miscarriages before I did and I had no clue what they were going through. I know that now. I was sorry for them, but I didn't know that they were actually experiencing a loss of a child. That they felt completely broken. That no words could ever heal their pain. I had no idea.

So if you have not experienced a miscarriage, I'm not trying to call you out or say I'm better than you, I'm just trying to educate and let you know my feelings. I have so many friends out there who were like me before my first loss. You just don't know what to say or do, and you have no idea how much that person is hurting inside. There are no words you can say to make that person feel better. In fact, most of the things people say to try to be helpful and hopeful, are interpretted the completely wrong way. What I can tell you is that the best thing you can say is "I'm sorry. I'm here if you need someone to talk to". I only wish more people knew that. I've been deliberately distant from some of my friends who continiously make comments that unintentionally hurt me. Maybe I should tell them, but I guess it's easier to retreat.

In this present day, the people I consider my best friends right now - the ones who know the most about me - are women that I've "met" online through a fertility website. We chat every day about our emotions and our feelings and our doctors appointments - everything you go through after a miscarriage. They've all had similar experiences to me. Everyone is different, but we all have the common bond of a loss of a baby. After my third miscarriage, I was about ready to throw in the towel. I didn't know how I could ever get to a point where I would be ready to try again and face those nasty odds - that I only had a 60% chance of a successful next pregnancy. I credit these women, these women that I've never met in person, with getting me to this point. Without them, I don't think I could have made it. They gave me strength, they gave me support, they gave me their ears to just listen to me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I love my friends in my every day life, but they can't offer me what these women can right now.

From this experience, I truly have learned and grown as an individual. I can finally see some of the positives from what has happened. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I have faith in God. When I pray, I don't pray for God to give me something, like a baby or money or health or a possession. I pray only for two things - for strength and understanding. Because I feel like with those two things, I can get through anything. God's will is going to happen, whether I like it or not. I just need the strength and understanding to accept it.

I admit that I lost a lot of faith for awhile after my last experience - I felt cheated. But I again feel strong and ready. I still don't have complete understanding of everything that has happened to me, but I'm starting to get some ideas. I have a greater appreciation now for something that I totally took for granted. I have a stronger marriage. I have tighter bonds with my family and friends. And I have wonderful new friends that I never would have "met" had this not happened to me. I know that when I do have a baby, that I will love and cherish it for all my life and know how very precious this gift from God is. I will truly feel blessed and know that there wasn't a greater gift that I could have ever received. I look forward to that day and still know in my heart that someday it will happen.