June Gloom

I've been out in San Diego for a few days for work, and the weather is in what they call "June Gloom". Granted, it's storming like crazy in Houston so I'm glad I'm not there, but this gloom is driving me crazy. In California you expect sunny weather and this is just downright depressing to me. I hate blaming the weather for my mood swings, but in this case I think it's justified. I'm gloomy!

I've been a bit frustrated with my cycle for the past week, because I wasn't quite sure when/if I ovulated or not. I realized how much smoother everything went when it really didn't matter. When I was charting but not trying to conceive, my cycles seemed a little more stable and predictable. There was a clear ovulation pattern. And then this month - who knows! I'm sure it's partly due to stress, and possibly the giant increase in folic acid. Who knows how that would really affect my temps. I was pretty sure I ovulated on cycle day 13 (which is a little earlier than usual), but after a few days of mid-range temps, I became less convinced. I think I now ovulated on either day 18 or 19.

I've become obsessed with my cycle this month! I'm crazy-TTC woman! Did I ovulate here or there? Let me ask the opinion of everyone I know on FF. Let me post my chart in the VIP circle and see what they think. Let me completely freak out when they misconstrue my question and don't give me an O date opinion, but rather tell me that they can't give me medical advice about my folic acid. Uggg! I almost forgot what this was like during my break. Was I like this every other time we were trying?

But in the end, I realize that it really does not matter when I ovulated! John was home, so we got to BD during the right times - no worries there. We still have our 20% shot at conceiving. If I am pregnant, my due date might be off about a week, but so what? Of course now I don't know when to test to see if I am pregnant, but even that's ok. I'll figure it out sooner or later with the arrival or absence of my less-than-favorite Aunt Flo. It'll all work out in the end! I can't obsess about everything.

Of course I'm silly to think this post ends my obsession. I'll continue to obsess forever. That's human nature, right? We want to be in control. We want to plan. But trying to have a baby just doesn't always work that way. So many life lessons in this!

Well, even though there's no sun, the June Gloom still has me reflecting on a lot about life in general. It's part of my soul searching that I always do in the wake of a tragedy. I guess it's just part of the healing process. I need a few days for the gloom to lift - it comes in cycles, I know this by now. I'm intentionally not calling a couple of friends back or responding to emails because I just don't want to talk about anything. I wouldn't mind chatting with my TTC friends on the message board, but due to the work situation right now, I can't really get in there. Maybe that's ok for a few days - maybe I need a break from thinking so much about everything. A Yosemite vacation this weekend should cure me, and then I'll be ready to start the obsessing all over again on Monday. Well, at least I can try to plan my obsessing!