I Am Lucky - but I Still Have Fear
I came to a little bit of a realization yesterday, with the help of my husband. After whining on the phone to him about my bad mood and about being tired of being pregnant, he pointed out that I am getting exactly what I want and I shouldn't complain so much. He didn't have too much sympathy for me (a little, but not much) and I think that's what I needed. I really shouldn't be complaining at this point.
So after more thinking last night, I realized that I'm just still so scared. My body has failed me in 3 other pregnancies, and I'm just not over that. I still worry every day that something can go wrong. When I feel less movement in a day, I still panic a bit and start pushing and shoving my tummy, hoping for a response. Sometimes I get one, sometimes I don't. (Side note - an anterior placenta is not good for a women who needs many movement reassurances!) But at the end of the day, everything always turns out ok, and I know Pea is still in there, alive and well.
I know Pea's birth will bring on a whole new set of worries that I haven't even considered yet. But I think being able to see and touch her will help ease my mind some. If I ever worry about her not moving, I can always poke her and see her squirm. Or watch her breathe. I don't think I'll be that obsessive - we'll see! But I just think I still don't trust my body not to fail me, and I know that even being over 39 weeks doesn't guarantee me a happy ending. Sometimes it's good to be naive! How many times have we all said that?
Anyway, I am feeling much better and not am so miserable. The last few weeks have been a little more uncomfortable, but nothing that I can't handle. I know that physically, this is still nothing compared to what others go through. I still move around pretty well and can handle a full week of work. Sometimes I wish I was confined to the couch so that I didn't have to come into work, but I know this is better in the end. How happy would I be then?
So don't worry about me. Thank you for your hugs and sympathy. It really all helped me to figure out the root of what was causing this. And I just needed to get out of my funk. Now no telling what I'll be like once I'm overdue, but for now, I'm ok.
3 Comments:
I agree with you BUT there is nothing bad about being miserable when you are over-incubating! The end sucks. It just does. You're physically uncomfortable, scared about the changes in your life, people are asking you every day about when you're going to pop, and you are so not in control of when/where/how that it could drive a person crazy.
You'll be ok. And of course this is what you wanted. That doesn't mean you have to suffer in silence. So, if you feel the need to vent again, please feel free to do so here without worrying that we will judge you. =)
The fear doesn't go away. It changes and you're right, being able to poke Liam and make him move helps a lot. I think fear is a natural part of a mother's life. I wonder if we'll ever get used to it?
I agree with Kether. Just because this is what you wanted doesn't mean you aren't allowed to complain. Pregnancy isn't all bliss. And it isn't easy going through it when you have doubts because of past experiences. We all know you're thrilled that Pea will be born soon and that any complaining you do (which I can't say I've seen much at all!) does not reflect on how you feel about Pea...it's just a part of being pregnant.
Here's hoping she doesn't hold out much longer so you can *see* her breathing and moving!!
Just checking on you and Pea. Sending great thoughts your way!
Post a Comment
<< Home