Maybe a Little Early?

I had my 38 week doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I didn't expect too much of a change in status based on the way I felt and because I could tell Pea hadn't dropped still. Sure enough I was only about 1.5 cm dilated (.5 more than last week), 50% effaced and Pea had dropped a tiny bit, but was still -2 station (the highest they measure). None of that was a surprise.

I asked my doctor that based on these stats, he pretty much thought I would go to my due date or after, right? He said yes. And then I mentioned going over the due date and that he would not let me go more than about a week, right? And here's where I was a bit surprised - he said he might actually take her early.

I'm not a very big person at all. I'm only 5'1" (almost) and all along he's been a bit worried about me delivering a big baby. Even though I didn't gain any weight this week (actually down a pound), my stomach has continued to grown - I'm now measuring 40 weeks. He wants to check next week on an u/s how big the baby is. If she is pretty big, he might go ahead and induce next week instead of waiting. It would still be just under a week before my due date anyway. But this was a little bit of a surprise. In my opinion, a good one.

I've always thought I'd go over my due date anyway. And I really think at this rate, I might go over far enough to be induced anyway. So going early doesn't sound all that bad to me at all. I know some people would argue with me that induction is more painful and it's better to go later and wait. But in this case, it really could help me. First, I can make sure John will actually be home. If I go into labor when he's out of town, he's got to drive back. Chances are he'd get here in time for the delivery, but I really don't want him to miss any of it. I want him there from the beginning, driving me to the hospital. Second, I could actually have an end date at work. I'm not very productive right now anyway and I'm ready to go. But leaving before the baby is born means taking vacation days - which I need to save for my maternity leave. I know, this is very selfish to want to have a baby early because of work - don't judge me on this reason. It does go through my mind though. And finally, if it makes my likelihood of delivering vaginally greater as opposed to a c-section, then I want to go for it.

Ever since this appointment and the realization that the baby *could* be here next week, my mind has been swimming. And time is passing so very slowly. Now I am more anxious than ever for Pea to get here. I'm totally restless and I'm not sleeping well. I'm also pretty irritable. I guess it's just that I'm 38 weeks pregnant and pretty ready to be done with it, no matter how smooth the pregnancy has been. I just want her here. My doctor even said "if you go into labor this week on your own, that would be perfectly fine with me". So he's ready for her to come too (but for size reasons of course, not because he's anxious).

It seems like everyone else is having their baby already. I know this isn't really true, but it does make me envious. It's hard not to be. My friend L was due 3 days after me and she was induced yesterday. She was induced because of high blood pressure. Now, I wouldn't want that and wouldn't have wanted to be in her situation, but I'm still jealous that she's now holding her baby. Is that insane for me to think like that? Probably. But that's how I feel - even though I may only be a week away myself. Maybe I'm just irritated because I saw her the night before she had him and she wasn't even excited or anything. She just said "I'm trying not to think about it". If I was having a baby the next day, I'd be bouncing off the walls! Maybe she was scared, but that irritated me that she wasn't excited.

And then to top it off, my mom has pretty much taken my latest visit to mean that I definitely WILL be induced and that it WILL be next week. So she's all giddy and excited and I have to calm her down and tell her that it might not even happen - it depends on the ultrasound. But regardless, she called me last night to ask about L. But all she wanted to know was what time the baby was born and what time did they start inducing her. Gee, why would you want to know how long it took to induce her? I didn't know the answer to when they started, but I still snapped at her and told her that I knew she only wanted to know that because of me, and that she couldn't compare us, it's different for everyone, and that we didn't even know if I would be induced anyway! I was so frustrated! I know I was a little mean, but I just can't take it right now.

Tonight I am having dinner with my mom and her husband because it is his birthday. For one night, I would like it not to be all about the baby. That's all they ever talk about. Sometimes that is really nice (especially since my in-laws don't ever mention the baby), but sometimes I just need a break. And that would be now. My emotions are just going nutty right now. I can't even think straight and like I said, I'm not sleeping well. I was up at 4:30 this morning and here it is 5:30 and I'm on blogger BEFORE I get ready and leave for work. This is a first.

I'll be ok. I'm sure it's just the hormones raging and the realization setting in that this is all about to happen. As anxious as I am, I'm sure I'm still a little afraid of what is to come and a little scared to get there.