The Big Announcement

Last Wednesday, while in San Diego, I got THE email. The one I knew was coming anyway, but the one that still hurt like anything.

Less than two months after my last miscarriage, my best friend went through IVF and told me that it was successful - she was pregnant. That was one of the hardest things to hear for many reasons. I was of course still completely devastated by my third loss, so hearing about anyone being pregnant was hard. It still is. I was also extremely jealous because she already has a 6 year old daughter and a 1 1/2 year old adopted daughter. After her first routine pregnancy with her first daughter, she had been trying to get pregnant for about 4 years and had tried IVF before. After the first failed attempt, she adopted her little one. But then they kept trying and decided to give IVF one more go before adopting again. And it worked. I am extremely happy for her, I really am. It's a wonderful thing for her and they are great parents. It is so nice to see her finally pregnant after this long struggle.

But it also completely sucks for me. The selfish feelings definitely come into play. Of course the timing was terrible. Why now? Why does this happen after everything I have been through? Why does she get to have another one when I can't even have one child? I was so extremely, incredibly jealous - well, I still am. Of course I had no doubt that things would go ok for her. She's never had a problem staying pregnant, just getting pregnant. So I had no doubt that this one would stick. I actually needed it to stick, because I knew I couldn't be strong enough to help her through a loss.

So as the weeks went by after she told me, I was the good friend. I comforted her when she worried about HCG levels and I listened to her worry about multiples. All the while it was extremely hard and she knew it was for me, but I insisted that I needed to be in the loop. I didn't want to be thrown off guard later. I wanted to always know what was happening with her. At her 7 or 8 week appointment, she found out she was having twins. If she hadn't called me during a work function, I know I would have lost it (again). Now she gets to have twins too? Yes, I was completely jealous. How could I possibly help it?

So for the next couple of weeks after that, we had some heart-to-heart talks and we went on a girls trip with two of our other friends and I really held it together ok. After thr trip, we didn't talk too much due to vacations and what-not. She lives in another city, so we don't see each other on a regular basis. So it's easier for me to break away when I need to. And I probably needed to at that point. I was in the middle of my struggles and appointments with the RE. She was excited for me, but I didn't want that. I didn't want her to be excited for me when I had a good doctor's appointment, because it really didn't matter right then - I still wasn't pregnant and she was!

And then on Wednesday, it happened. The one thing I had dreamed about during all three of my pregnancies. The big announcement to the world - I'm pregnant! It crushed me like a ton of bricks when I saw the email. Of course I had already known for 8 weeks, but it was still a terrible moment. A horrible reminder that all three of my pregnancies had ended before I ever had a chance to tell all of my friends. I had never made it to that point and it was something I so desperately desired. Each time I found out I was pregnant, I got out my calendar and counted off the weeks to figure out when I would be 12 weeks along. I had the date burned into my brain. I couldn't wait for that opportunity to share the news I was secretly keeping. And it never happened. Each time, I experienced a devastating loss.

I know I may get my chance in the future. I'm aware of that. But for now, that doesn't keep away the incredible pain and jealousy at everyone else's good fortune. I think I'll have my turn someday and in the end I'm so happy for my best friend and the others that are pregnant. But for now, these are my feelings. This is my life and this is where I'm at. Luckily, most everyone understands that and knows that I can't show extreme happiness on the outside. That I can't sit and talk about babies, babies, babies. Well, most everyone knows that. I know one day this too shall pass, but for now, it hurts. It hurts worse than anything in the world to me.