And so the journey begins....again

Yesterday I went to my doctor and heard those same words that I've heard twice before in the past year "It's ok to start trying again"...

Let me explain the reason that I'm here - "My name is Lauren and I suffer from recurrent miscarriages". For some people, this statement is almost like attending an AA meeting - something they want to keep anonymous and private. Some kind of secret that they want to keep deep inside and not let anyone know about. Something they suffer from traumatically and don't share with others. If there's one thing I've learned through all of my experiences, it's that miscarriage is nothing to be ashamed about at all. But before I get into all of that, here is my story.

In November of 2002, after a year and a half of marriage, my husband and I decided that it was almost time to start a family. After a visit to a general practitioner, I was advised to stay off birth control pills for about two months before we began trying for a child. So that month I threw away the pills and began my journey.

In January 2003 we began trying and in our second month, February, I learned that I was pregnant. We were completely overwhelmed. It happened so quickly that I think it almost scared my husband. I scheduled an appointment with a new OB/GYN and the earliest they would see me was at 8 weeks. I was 4 1/2 weeks and that seemed like an eternity. But we waited. My husband still was in shock and just wanted to wait until the appointment before he believed it. In the mean time, I read everything I could get my hands on. I told my parents and my closest friends. I was so excited about everything! But then I kept reading and learning more and more about the things that could go wrong. I felt in my heart that something was wrong - I just knew it. My mother and I would argue because of my negative attitude. But my heart told me not to be happy. I had no pregnancy symptoms, nothing to make me believe I was actually carrying a life in there.

At my 8 week appointment, I went in alone because my husband was out of town. And I learned the reality of my situation - there was no baby, just an empty sac. If you're in the TTC world, you know this as a blighted ovum. I was devastated. My world crumbled.

After a D&C and a lot of crying, fast forward to July. In June, we got the ok to start trying again. Again, on my second cycle of trying, I got a positive pregnancy test. The line was very light, so it concerned me a little. It was a Saturday, so I decided to test again on Monday morning and then call the doctor. On Monday, there was no second line. I don't know why, but I didn't call the doctor. After work that day, I went and bought a handful of additional pregnancy tests. Again, a negative that evening. The next morning - another negative. I finally called the doctor and they immediately called me in for a beta. It was positive but the numbers were very low. So I went in again two days later for another. I didn't even need to wait to hear for the results - my period started the next day and the pregnancy was over.

We got the "ok" this time to try again as soon as we wanted, since this miscarriage was so early. So after three disappointing cycles of clomid (which I hated and didn't make too much sense why my OB wanted me to take), I decided to take a break without any drugs and see what happens naturally - I seemed to have more luck without medicine the first two times. On my second non-clomid cycle (see a pattern here?) I became pregnant again.

This pregnancy was different. I immediately called the doctor and went in for betas. The numbers were doubling beautifully. I felt great - very positive. My symptoms were never strong, but I knew everything would be ok. And the 8 week ultrasound appointment finally got here. My husband was able to go with me, and sure enough, we saw a little life with a beating heart measuring 7 weeks, 6 days. It was probably the best day of my life. Reality sunk in - "we're having a baby"! I made it so far this time. I was on cloud nine.

Unfortunately, what I didn't know then is that my precious angel had three sets of genes instead of two. My baby had no chance of survival. At 8 weeks, 1 day, our baby went to heaven. I began spotting at 9 weeks, 6 days, just 3 days before my next ultrasound. By the next day, the bleeding was heavier. An ultrasound confirmed that my baby had died and I was scheduled for an immediate D&C before I had a natural miscarriage. They wanted to do genetic testing, which is how we found out about the chromosome problem.

So here I am again. After a referral to an RE and what seemed like a million standard tests, everything looks fine and I've gotten the ok to try one more time. I'm happy and I'm ready, but this time is different. This is my last shot at naturally having a child. My RE will not allow me to get pregnant on my own again if this pregnancy results in a miscarriage. If that happens, we will move to IVF, possibly only with donor eggs. At the ripe old age of 32, my doctor fears that my eggs may be prematurely aging. But we have to try one more time. I'm scared about all that, but I'm also hopeful.

That's my story. What I have skipped is everything emotional about miscarrying. If you've read this so far, you see some heartbreak, but I haven't even scratched the surface of what it's actually like to go through a miscarriage (or three). If you've never experienced one, I'm sorry to say this, but you have no idea of what it's like. I had friends who had miscarriages before I did and I had no clue what they were going through. I know that now. I was sorry for them, but I didn't know that they were actually experiencing a loss of a child. That they felt completely broken. That no words could ever heal their pain. I had no idea.

So if you have not experienced a miscarriage, I'm not trying to call you out or say I'm better than you, I'm just trying to educate and let you know my feelings. I have so many friends out there who were like me before my first loss. You just don't know what to say or do, and you have no idea how much that person is hurting inside. There are no words you can say to make that person feel better. In fact, most of the things people say to try to be helpful and hopeful, are interpretted the completely wrong way. What I can tell you is that the best thing you can say is "I'm sorry. I'm here if you need someone to talk to". I only wish more people knew that. I've been deliberately distant from some of my friends who continiously make comments that unintentionally hurt me. Maybe I should tell them, but I guess it's easier to retreat.

In this present day, the people I consider my best friends right now - the ones who know the most about me - are women that I've "met" online through a fertility website. We chat every day about our emotions and our feelings and our doctors appointments - everything you go through after a miscarriage. They've all had similar experiences to me. Everyone is different, but we all have the common bond of a loss of a baby. After my third miscarriage, I was about ready to throw in the towel. I didn't know how I could ever get to a point where I would be ready to try again and face those nasty odds - that I only had a 60% chance of a successful next pregnancy. I credit these women, these women that I've never met in person, with getting me to this point. Without them, I don't think I could have made it. They gave me strength, they gave me support, they gave me their ears to just listen to me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I love my friends in my every day life, but they can't offer me what these women can right now.

From this experience, I truly have learned and grown as an individual. I can finally see some of the positives from what has happened. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I have faith in God. When I pray, I don't pray for God to give me something, like a baby or money or health or a possession. I pray only for two things - for strength and understanding. Because I feel like with those two things, I can get through anything. God's will is going to happen, whether I like it or not. I just need the strength and understanding to accept it.

I admit that I lost a lot of faith for awhile after my last experience - I felt cheated. But I again feel strong and ready. I still don't have complete understanding of everything that has happened to me, but I'm starting to get some ideas. I have a greater appreciation now for something that I totally took for granted. I have a stronger marriage. I have tighter bonds with my family and friends. And I have wonderful new friends that I never would have "met" had this not happened to me. I know that when I do have a baby, that I will love and cherish it for all my life and know how very precious this gift from God is. I will truly feel blessed and know that there wasn't a greater gift that I could have ever received. I look forward to that day and still know in my heart that someday it will happen.