Happy, but still Numb

It's been awhile since I last posted, but within that time, I have now had two sucessful doctor's appointments and things are progressing well. At my first appointment at 6w1d, the baby measured small, but we did see the heart beat and measure it at 112 bpm. The doctor seemed to think everything was progressing well. I went back yesterday for my 7 week appointment, and the baby measured 7w1d (exactly on target) and the heart rate was 147 bpm. So everything is going great.

I went into the 6 week appointment with no problem. I just assumed that everything would be ok. I have seen a baby with a heart beat on an ultrasound before, so I guess I expected it. And John has been so positive about it and he went with me and wasn't worried at all. So I felt pretty good. Then last week the morning sickness also kicked in, and by Friday I was miserable (but thrilled that I was!). Then I started getting better. And by Sunday, I barely felt bad at all. I became panicked. By Monday I was a complete mess. On Tuesday, not so much better. But then on Wednesday, my ultrasound confirmed that everything was ok. No need to worry.

So I'm happy - but I still don't FEEL anything towards this baby. I know I'm pregnant, but I don't think my mind has made a decision on whether or not this pregnancy is ok. I feel terrible about that. I'm not negative about it, but I'm also not bonding with the baby and getting totally excited about it. Is that bad? I guess probably not considering what I've been through, but I feel like I'm cheating my little bean out of love or something. I know this is weird. I'm definitely happy, but I guess I just haven't wrapped my head around the idea yet. I think that's still going to take some time.

I have 3 more key ultrasounds, 1 each week for the next 3 weeks. After that I get to ditch the RE and go back to my regular doctor. My RE tried to say he would cut me loose at 8 weeks, but I gently reminded him that I lost the last baby after my 8 week ultrasound. Then the RE I saw this week (mine was out), tried to tell me the same thing. I told her what Dr. B and I had discussed and then she proceeded to tell me that only 5% of women lose their babies after they see a heart beat and that I was one of the unfortunate ones. Thanks for the reminder. Dr. B will be back next week, right?

I don't know. I guess it all goes back to the "innocence lost" thing. I can't let myself be too happy. I was miserable even trying to shop while on vacation. I didn't want to buy any regular clothes since that didn't make sense, but I didn't want to look at maternity clothes right now either. I feel like I'm in limbo. And that's not good for me when it comes to shopping - I love to shop! But I don't feel right buying myself something I don't really need when the baby is coming, and I don't want to buy anything for the baby. So I didn't buy anything at all. My husband will be thrilled to hear that, but it deeply pains me. Shopping is my hobby!

I know the confidence will grow in weeks. I have that 10 week appointment on my brain and I just feel that if I can get to that, I can make it. But since you base everything on previous experiences, I'm really just going to be thrilled to make it to 9 weeks - because it'll still be farther than I got last time. There's nothing I can do but wait. It's just such a frustrating feeling, but I know women in the TTC world know the "waiting" part so well.

Well, there's an extra 10 minutes that just passed. I'm getting closer!

Innocence Lost

Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled to be pregnant again. I thank God at each chance I get that I am pregnant again and that I have an opportunity to bring a life into this world. I try to stay positive and try to assume that the end result will be the best result - a little baby here on Earth. But I long for the innocent days when I first found out I was pregnant - the first time. Before I knew how awful this process really could be.

I know that probably every woman fears that something could go wrong with their pregnancy. I know I did - even that first time. But I was also pretty ignorant to just how wrong it could go. In the end, I still assumed that I really would have a baby in 9 months. I remember the complete joy when I first got that positive back on my HPT (taken 3 days after my missed period - I obviously wasn't an obsessive charter yet). I remember planning everything out in my head and ordering every pregnancy book I could find. I remember worrying about a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy or a still birth, but those fears where overcome by my excitement. I patted my belly and just smiled. Those worries were just that - worries. What could possibly really go wrong? Those things don't happen to ME.

We all know how wrong I was. But I'm glad that I was blissfully ignorant for awhile. I wish I could have that back again. I'm excited about this baby, but I know the statistics, I know my history. I know that the only thing I've done differently is loaded up on folic acid, B-6, B-12 and Juice Plus. Can that really get me a healthy baby in the end? Only time will tell. But I do wish I could always assume in my head that it will work out in the end - that every scenario worked out with a baby. I'm maintaining a generally positive attitude and I think it really can happen for me, but I'm just too knowledgeable. I know firsthand too many things that can go wrong. I've read just about everything I can on the internet about pregnancy and miscarriage, and I'm actually in awe that anyone has a baby at all.

I just miss not knowing so much, I guess. I'm planning for this baby in April, I truly am. But I'm not buying any little baby clothes. I'm not searching websites for maternity clothes. I'm not standing in the extra bedroom picturing what the nusery will be like. I'm trying to be practical. I'm only looking at pregnancy "this week" and not letting myself get into further chapters. I make assumptions that I will be pregnant when we plan out vacations and such, but unfortunately I do find myself saying the occassional "if". John is optimistic too, but he's experiencing the same symptoms. It's just so scary. It's human to want to keep your guard up and try not to get too attached, while at the same time telling yourself that you need to be positive.

I know a lot can change after Wednesday. In my third pregnancy, that was the first time we got to see a heartbeat. And after that, all the negativity I had was washed away, and I was positive I was going to have a baby. I had reached a milestone I never got to the first two times, so I had no reason to believe anything could go wrong from that point. Again, I was unfortunately wrong. That brings us to this Wednesday. I'll be 6w1d and there's a good possibility we may see a heartbeat in my ultrasound. I know this will make me more optimistic and right now, I have no reason to believe we won't see it. But will it comfort me completely? Probably not. I know my goal is to get to 10 weeks. That's the goal my RE set for me the first time I stepped foot in his office. So until that time, I'll continue to be excited, but guarded. Happy, but realistic. Attached, but detached (if that makes sense).

Unfortunately, one of my online sisters just experienced another loss this weekend. Each time I see this happen to someone else, I cry. I cry because I know partly what they are going through, but I also cry because I know how wonderful and pure these women are and it breaks my heart a little bit more to see them not be able to fulfill their dreams of a little one. It almost feels like it is happening to me. And unfortunately it is a big reminder of what can happen. Life is so completely unfair and I just don't know how I'm every going to understand the reasons for miscarriages when the parents are so happily willing to bring a baby into their house. I know we each grow so much after it happens and gain this incredible strength we never knew we had, but is it necessary for us to get so broken down to get there? It stinks. That's just the bottom line.

So right now I'm trying to brush my worries aside and just pray for my online sister. I hate that it ever has to come to this. She doesn't deserve this. It's not fair. Why does it have to be so hard for some of us? When will we ever understand the answer to that question?

Triples and Fortune Cookies

Today was my second "results" day. This time I didn't set myself a computer reminder. I had all weekend to dwell on it and remember to call the doctor's office on Monday. I felt good because of my results from Wednesday's blood work, but you still can't help but be nervous, knowing that it is possible to lose a little one this early. I was tempted to POAS, but I held back. On a funny note, John asked me on Saturday if I was going to "Pee on a Stick" to make sure I was still pregnant. This was funny for one, because he seemed to read my mind, and two, because he actually used the correct fertility lingo! I couldn't help but laugh.

Anyway, back to the results. I again called the office at 10:00, but this time got voicemail. I debated hanging up and calling back, but decided that it's an RE's office - they'll get back to me soon. An hour later I was in panic mode trying to determine what the right amount of time was to wait before calling again. I decided that if it was bad news, they would call right away because I'd have to come in for another beta (right?). But I was still anxious. I sent off a frantic email to my best friend asking about the correct "call back"etiquette, but as soon as I clicked "Send" the phone rang and it was the doctor's office.

No small talk or scrutinizing charts this time, just the results - hcg was 906. 906! Holy crap! That didn't double, that more than tripled! I was a bit stunned and expressed that to the nurse, but she said it was in the right range and it was a good number. I mentioned how it was so much higher than my hcg 2 days early, and she just said that they like to see it go up 60-100%, so this was right on. Ok, maybe she didn't do the math as fast as I did in my head and wasn't too impressed, but I was! I was just so happy and so relieved!

The great results were followed by a frustrating saga of trying to get my first ultrasound scheduled. I do know one thing after over a year and a half of this - the receptionist of the main office cannot get you an appointment in the very near future! I don't know why the nurses always insist on you calling the main number to get an appointment, because you can never get one for the time they want you to see the doctor. You always end up having to be transferred back to your doctor's nurse since they are the only ones who can squeeze you in or override his schedule. I've experienced that in both my OB/GYN's office and now with my RE. I just don't get it! But the good news is that my ultrasound and appointment is for Wednesday, the 18th. Just 9 short days away. I'm sure the attitude about "9 short days" will change very quickly.


So my friend Christine recently posted something in her blog about getting a sign about her pregnancy (hers from a Dove chocolate wrapper) and I just had to add my own. I do believe in signs and I continually look for them myself. I tried not to read too much into this one at the time, but now I can't help it.

A week and a half ago, before I even had a clue that I was pregnant, I was on a business trip to San Diego and was having dinner with a co-worker. We know each other well enough at work, but didn't really know much about each other outside of work. So we spent the whole dinner chatting and talking about everything - family, interests, etc. We talked about his kids and I talked about my struggles to have one. He was pretty sympathetic and added that his wife had had a miscarriage between their children. This is not an exaggeration, but just as we had finished talking about my miscarriages, the fortune cookies came. I opened mine and read:

When the flowers bloom, so will great joy in your life.

My co-worker immediately shouted "Keep that fortune! Do not lose it, hold on to it!". I tried to say "yeah, but that would mean I need to get pregnant right now..." and he just cut me off and said, "Don't read too much into it. Just keep it." On Monday morning when I was back at work, I taped the fortune to my computer monitor (even though my temperature was so icky that day). On Wednesday, I found out I was pregnant with an April baby.

I've always wanted a Spring baby. Honestly, I'd take a baby any time of the year, but a Spring one sounds wonderful to me. So does great joy in my life!

That means you're pregnant

Before I post my blog, I first just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to all of my blog readers and supporters out there. Your positive comments mean so much to me and I appreciate every kind word and every bit of encouragement. I am truly blessed!

So today is a results day - I found out the results from my betas from yesterday. I was pretty anxious about this since I did have one very early miscarriage last year where my beta results were less than fabulous and the nurse told me "so, you definitely are or were pregnant...have you started bleeding yet?" That was pretty encouraging news. I never did find out the exact numbers, but I did start bleeding two days later. Later the doctor did tell me they were very low.

I was also anxious because since I didn't get in to get my blood drawn until after noon on Wednesday, I would have to go after noon on Friday for my second set of betas. Which meant that I would not know if my hcg level was doubling until Monday. Monday! How can they do that to me! But I felt like if I got my results today and my progesterone was high, I would feel pretty positive. And as long as my hcg was around 100 or so, that would tide me over the weekend. For a reference point, on Wednesday when I got betas drawn, I was 15 dpo (or maybe 16). Last pregnancy, at 17 dpo my hcg was 292 and my progesterone was 32.7. Which I know was good and which obviously made it past the "chemical" pregnancy point (oof - I hate that term so much).

So I call the nurse around 10:00 today. I didn't want to look too anxious by calling at 9:00, but I also couldn't stand it any longer. I set a reminder for myself on my computer at 10:30 to call the doctor. I'm not sure what I was thinking yesterday when I set that. Like I would really forget to call the doctor??? Yes, you may have to remind me 40 times to call the dentist for an appointment (which I finally did), but to remember to check my beta results? No, I don't think so.

Anyway, it's 10:00 and they actually answer the phone, which was a plus because yesterday I played phone tag with them for a couple of hours and I almost went bonkers. She gets my name and pulls up my information on the computer. "Ok Lauren, your progesterone is...hmmm...can you hold on a minute?"

I said "yes" but my head was screaming "No way! Give me the freaking numbers!!!". A million thoughts ran through my head while I was on hold. She probably needed to get the doctor so he could deliver the bad news. Or my progesterone is low and they need to go get information for a supplement for me to take. Or she just didn't know how to tell me "sorry, you're doomed". This wasn't the same nurse who asked me if I was bleeding last time - this was an RE's nurse. They probably had a little more sympathy.

So I'm on hold and I am completely freaking out. I'm actually muttering "this is it" over and over again, knowing that I'm about to find out something one way or another, good or bad. In my head, it was at least an hour before she can back to the line. In reality, it was probably between 30-60 seconds. She's back on - "ok, I just needed a minute to scrutinize your results before I told them to you". It's amazing how fast thoughts can develop in my mind at times like these, yet at work I might need many minutes to construct a clear thought. My mind starts panicking again - why does she need to scrutinize my results? Is it that hard to read two numbers? I know, it probably isn't just one screen with only two numbers on it, but still - I'm freaking again.

"Your hcg is 274...that means you're pregnant".

All I can think to say in response to this is "Yeah, I kind of figured as much". So then she starts the song and dance about how they like to repeat the betas two days later, make sure they go up 60-100%, yada, yada, yada. I can't help but interrupt her and say "yes, I've been though this several times now". I must have sounded like a complete bitch. I didn't care about all that - I already knew I had to come in on Friday. I just wanted to get the progesterone results back!

She finally revealed that my progesterone was 31.3. I was thrilled. Tears formed in my eyes and I thanked her and told her I knew those were good numbers and that I'd be in again on Friday for the repeat.

So that's my news. I'm so relieved. I know I'm not even close to being out of the woods yet, but that's one milestone down. I'm officially pregnant, my progesterone is good, and my hcg is even higher than I expected it to be.

But the very best news of all is something John said last night. Throughout my three previous pregnancies, he's been very doubtful and not too optimistic that everything would turn out ok. Even during my first pregnancy when I had no reason to believe I would miscarry, he continually used phrases like "if we have a baby" and "we'll know for sure once you go to the doctor". He never got very positive and it really hurt my feelings that he wouldn't accept the fact that we were probably having a baby.

But last night he told me "You know, I think this one is actually going to happen for us. I think everyone goes through their own crap when it comes to all of this, and I think we're finally over it". It was the first optimistic statement out of his mouth about pregnancies and babies in the last year and a half. By him having some confidence about this, I feel like I have even more myself. And then with the beta results today, I'm feeling very positive. Let's hope this feeling stays for awhile. I need these good vibes!

Ok, so maybe I don't know everything!

"But I know my body, I know my cycles, and I know the truth in my head. My heart won't let go until the game has been officially called, but in my head, I know the game is over."
-- me, 2 days ago

You would think by now, after TTC for over a year and a half that I would know that nothing is normal and everything is normal when trying to have a baby. Just when you think you have it all figured out, you're thrown a curve ball. I got my curve ball yesterday. After my temp dropped on Monday, I wrote my sad little post about how it was all over this cycle. How could I not think that with a temp dip below the coverline on 13 dpo??? My chart looked nothing like the two other pregnancy cycles I had charted - those were textbook charts with the perfect temperature rise. I was convinced that my next pregnancy chart would be identical.

So after Aunt Flo never showed up as expected on Monday, imagine my surprise to see that my temperature had risen .4 degrees on Tuesday. Still not as high as my other temps, but above the coverline. Huh. That was strange. And then I got my hopes up. Would a temperature drop below the coverline so late and then rise again if you were not pregnant? All day I searched the chart gallery to find other erratic charts that ended with a BFP. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't take my eyes off this ugly, but intriguing chart. I asked everyone I knew what they thought. The most common answer - just POAS (pee on a stick) and be sure one way or another!

I sat through the day at my desk convinced every ten minutes that the feeling I felt was indeed AF arriving. I'd head to the bathroom and just find the creamy CM instead. I recalled this exact feeling last time I found out I was pregnant. That I was convinced it was AF, but instead it was just a lot of cervical fluid. My hopes shot sky high.

By the end of the work day, Aunt Flo was still MIA. So I decided to bite the bullet and buy some HPT's. If my temperature was still above the coverline tomorrow (Wednesday), I would test. That was my recommended test date anyway. So I bought some tests - EPT is my lucky brand even though it only detects high levels, so I bought those and another that measured earlier. By the end of the night, I was convinced I was pregnant. I just knew it. I took my temperature before I went to bed and it was 98.8 - .7 degrees higher than my temp that morning. I figured that meant it was't going to drop below 97.8 (my coverline) in the morning.

I didn't sleep too well. Once the cat woke me at 3:00 by jumping on the bed, I couldn't fall back asleep. I had already been to the bathroom once during the night, so I knew there was still no sign of AF. So I just prayed and laid there in silence, hoping my instincts were true. I finally drifted off after 4:00.

It's the first time in history that I only snoozed my alarm once when it went off (I usually snooze about 5-7 times). As soon as I realized it was test day, I was wide awake. I took my temp even though I didn't get the recommended 3 hours of sleep before it (my temps don't vary much anyway), and it was still a monster 98.8. I went straight to the bathroom, peed in a cup and dipped in two tests, one of each brand. I even watched them change colors, which I never do. I usually cover them and wait the designated 3 minutes. But I couldn't resist because I knew the answer. And I was right. The sensitive test quickly showed a bright pink line. The EPT was also positive, although it was much lighter - as it should have been.

I woke up John and told him the good news. I guess he was as excited as any sleeping man would be at 5:20 in the morning. And now we start this roller coaster ride once again. We're scared, but we're ready.

Thanks to everyone for your fantastic support through this journey so far. I know it's far from over, but I don't think I could have even made it here without each and every one of you. My medical odds of carrying this baby to term may not be ideal, but in my heart, the odds are 100%.

Time to call the doctor. We're in overtime!

Sidelined Again

In the big game of what is parenting and pregnancy, I've been called to the sidelines again. I was pretty sure the coach didn't want me to play this cycle, but I was still hoping that I might get my chance. But that huge temp drop today was a clear signal that I was out, and Aunt Flo was in. I can't help but be a little bummed. I still did have some hope.

So the cycle begins again. I guess my #2 cycle isn't as lucky as I thought for me. I think the thing that depresses me is that I'm realizing that each time this takes longer and longer. I tend to ignore the 3 clomid cycles I had last fall and just count the 2 after it, but they were all cycles where we had pretty good timing and they probably should count. So maybe it will take me around 5 cycles to get pregnant again. I guess I just haven't been willing to accept that yet. It's human nature to not want to wait - especially for something that you're not sure will even be a positive experience.

Having another miscarriage will not be easy if I have to go through it for a fourth time. I know that, everyone knows that. But I guess I just thought it might be a little easier if I got pregnant fast. I'm not expecting to miscarry, but I also know that it will be a very real possibility when I get pregnant again, so I have to prepare for that possibility. Right? But if I wait out multiple cycles, trying and trying, and then I miscarry again, I just think it will suck even more. I want action. I want things to happen NOW. I know, everyone does. I'm not alone in these thoughts, I know that.

But right now I have no choice but to sit on the sidelines and cheer everyone else on. As I sit and watch, it seems like more and more people are being called in to play, and I'm just here waiting. Hoping. Wondering if it ever will be my turn. How can I not have those thoughts?

It may not sound like it, but I'm actually holding up better than I thought I'd be. Maybe it's because I haven't actually seen AF yet, so there's still that tiny glimmer of hope. Maybe it was a really late implantation dip! Maybe I am pregnant! But I know my body, I know my cycles, and I know the truth in my head. My heart won't let go until the game has been officially called, but in my head, I know the game is over. I wish there was more than just one game a month!