Innocence Lost

Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled to be pregnant again. I thank God at each chance I get that I am pregnant again and that I have an opportunity to bring a life into this world. I try to stay positive and try to assume that the end result will be the best result - a little baby here on Earth. But I long for the innocent days when I first found out I was pregnant - the first time. Before I knew how awful this process really could be.

I know that probably every woman fears that something could go wrong with their pregnancy. I know I did - even that first time. But I was also pretty ignorant to just how wrong it could go. In the end, I still assumed that I really would have a baby in 9 months. I remember the complete joy when I first got that positive back on my HPT (taken 3 days after my missed period - I obviously wasn't an obsessive charter yet). I remember planning everything out in my head and ordering every pregnancy book I could find. I remember worrying about a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy or a still birth, but those fears where overcome by my excitement. I patted my belly and just smiled. Those worries were just that - worries. What could possibly really go wrong? Those things don't happen to ME.

We all know how wrong I was. But I'm glad that I was blissfully ignorant for awhile. I wish I could have that back again. I'm excited about this baby, but I know the statistics, I know my history. I know that the only thing I've done differently is loaded up on folic acid, B-6, B-12 and Juice Plus. Can that really get me a healthy baby in the end? Only time will tell. But I do wish I could always assume in my head that it will work out in the end - that every scenario worked out with a baby. I'm maintaining a generally positive attitude and I think it really can happen for me, but I'm just too knowledgeable. I know firsthand too many things that can go wrong. I've read just about everything I can on the internet about pregnancy and miscarriage, and I'm actually in awe that anyone has a baby at all.

I just miss not knowing so much, I guess. I'm planning for this baby in April, I truly am. But I'm not buying any little baby clothes. I'm not searching websites for maternity clothes. I'm not standing in the extra bedroom picturing what the nusery will be like. I'm trying to be practical. I'm only looking at pregnancy "this week" and not letting myself get into further chapters. I make assumptions that I will be pregnant when we plan out vacations and such, but unfortunately I do find myself saying the occassional "if". John is optimistic too, but he's experiencing the same symptoms. It's just so scary. It's human to want to keep your guard up and try not to get too attached, while at the same time telling yourself that you need to be positive.

I know a lot can change after Wednesday. In my third pregnancy, that was the first time we got to see a heartbeat. And after that, all the negativity I had was washed away, and I was positive I was going to have a baby. I had reached a milestone I never got to the first two times, so I had no reason to believe anything could go wrong from that point. Again, I was unfortunately wrong. That brings us to this Wednesday. I'll be 6w1d and there's a good possibility we may see a heartbeat in my ultrasound. I know this will make me more optimistic and right now, I have no reason to believe we won't see it. But will it comfort me completely? Probably not. I know my goal is to get to 10 weeks. That's the goal my RE set for me the first time I stepped foot in his office. So until that time, I'll continue to be excited, but guarded. Happy, but realistic. Attached, but detached (if that makes sense).

Unfortunately, one of my online sisters just experienced another loss this weekend. Each time I see this happen to someone else, I cry. I cry because I know partly what they are going through, but I also cry because I know how wonderful and pure these women are and it breaks my heart a little bit more to see them not be able to fulfill their dreams of a little one. It almost feels like it is happening to me. And unfortunately it is a big reminder of what can happen. Life is so completely unfair and I just don't know how I'm every going to understand the reasons for miscarriages when the parents are so happily willing to bring a baby into their house. I know we each grow so much after it happens and gain this incredible strength we never knew we had, but is it necessary for us to get so broken down to get there? It stinks. That's just the bottom line.

So right now I'm trying to brush my worries aside and just pray for my online sister. I hate that it ever has to come to this. She doesn't deserve this. It's not fair. Why does it have to be so hard for some of us? When will we ever understand the answer to that question?