Sidelined Again

In the big game of what is parenting and pregnancy, I've been called to the sidelines again. I was pretty sure the coach didn't want me to play this cycle, but I was still hoping that I might get my chance. But that huge temp drop today was a clear signal that I was out, and Aunt Flo was in. I can't help but be a little bummed. I still did have some hope.

So the cycle begins again. I guess my #2 cycle isn't as lucky as I thought for me. I think the thing that depresses me is that I'm realizing that each time this takes longer and longer. I tend to ignore the 3 clomid cycles I had last fall and just count the 2 after it, but they were all cycles where we had pretty good timing and they probably should count. So maybe it will take me around 5 cycles to get pregnant again. I guess I just haven't been willing to accept that yet. It's human nature to not want to wait - especially for something that you're not sure will even be a positive experience.

Having another miscarriage will not be easy if I have to go through it for a fourth time. I know that, everyone knows that. But I guess I just thought it might be a little easier if I got pregnant fast. I'm not expecting to miscarry, but I also know that it will be a very real possibility when I get pregnant again, so I have to prepare for that possibility. Right? But if I wait out multiple cycles, trying and trying, and then I miscarry again, I just think it will suck even more. I want action. I want things to happen NOW. I know, everyone does. I'm not alone in these thoughts, I know that.

But right now I have no choice but to sit on the sidelines and cheer everyone else on. As I sit and watch, it seems like more and more people are being called in to play, and I'm just here waiting. Hoping. Wondering if it ever will be my turn. How can I not have those thoughts?

It may not sound like it, but I'm actually holding up better than I thought I'd be. Maybe it's because I haven't actually seen AF yet, so there's still that tiny glimmer of hope. Maybe it was a really late implantation dip! Maybe I am pregnant! But I know my body, I know my cycles, and I know the truth in my head. My heart won't let go until the game has been officially called, but in my head, I know the game is over. I wish there was more than just one game a month!