That means you're pregnant

Before I post my blog, I first just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to all of my blog readers and supporters out there. Your positive comments mean so much to me and I appreciate every kind word and every bit of encouragement. I am truly blessed!

So today is a results day - I found out the results from my betas from yesterday. I was pretty anxious about this since I did have one very early miscarriage last year where my beta results were less than fabulous and the nurse told me "so, you definitely are or were pregnant...have you started bleeding yet?" That was pretty encouraging news. I never did find out the exact numbers, but I did start bleeding two days later. Later the doctor did tell me they were very low.

I was also anxious because since I didn't get in to get my blood drawn until after noon on Wednesday, I would have to go after noon on Friday for my second set of betas. Which meant that I would not know if my hcg level was doubling until Monday. Monday! How can they do that to me! But I felt like if I got my results today and my progesterone was high, I would feel pretty positive. And as long as my hcg was around 100 or so, that would tide me over the weekend. For a reference point, on Wednesday when I got betas drawn, I was 15 dpo (or maybe 16). Last pregnancy, at 17 dpo my hcg was 292 and my progesterone was 32.7. Which I know was good and which obviously made it past the "chemical" pregnancy point (oof - I hate that term so much).

So I call the nurse around 10:00 today. I didn't want to look too anxious by calling at 9:00, but I also couldn't stand it any longer. I set a reminder for myself on my computer at 10:30 to call the doctor. I'm not sure what I was thinking yesterday when I set that. Like I would really forget to call the doctor??? Yes, you may have to remind me 40 times to call the dentist for an appointment (which I finally did), but to remember to check my beta results? No, I don't think so.

Anyway, it's 10:00 and they actually answer the phone, which was a plus because yesterday I played phone tag with them for a couple of hours and I almost went bonkers. She gets my name and pulls up my information on the computer. "Ok Lauren, your progesterone is...hmmm...can you hold on a minute?"

I said "yes" but my head was screaming "No way! Give me the freaking numbers!!!". A million thoughts ran through my head while I was on hold. She probably needed to get the doctor so he could deliver the bad news. Or my progesterone is low and they need to go get information for a supplement for me to take. Or she just didn't know how to tell me "sorry, you're doomed". This wasn't the same nurse who asked me if I was bleeding last time - this was an RE's nurse. They probably had a little more sympathy.

So I'm on hold and I am completely freaking out. I'm actually muttering "this is it" over and over again, knowing that I'm about to find out something one way or another, good or bad. In my head, it was at least an hour before she can back to the line. In reality, it was probably between 30-60 seconds. She's back on - "ok, I just needed a minute to scrutinize your results before I told them to you". It's amazing how fast thoughts can develop in my mind at times like these, yet at work I might need many minutes to construct a clear thought. My mind starts panicking again - why does she need to scrutinize my results? Is it that hard to read two numbers? I know, it probably isn't just one screen with only two numbers on it, but still - I'm freaking again.

"Your hcg is 274...that means you're pregnant".

All I can think to say in response to this is "Yeah, I kind of figured as much". So then she starts the song and dance about how they like to repeat the betas two days later, make sure they go up 60-100%, yada, yada, yada. I can't help but interrupt her and say "yes, I've been though this several times now". I must have sounded like a complete bitch. I didn't care about all that - I already knew I had to come in on Friday. I just wanted to get the progesterone results back!

She finally revealed that my progesterone was 31.3. I was thrilled. Tears formed in my eyes and I thanked her and told her I knew those were good numbers and that I'd be in again on Friday for the repeat.

So that's my news. I'm so relieved. I know I'm not even close to being out of the woods yet, but that's one milestone down. I'm officially pregnant, my progesterone is good, and my hcg is even higher than I expected it to be.

But the very best news of all is something John said last night. Throughout my three previous pregnancies, he's been very doubtful and not too optimistic that everything would turn out ok. Even during my first pregnancy when I had no reason to believe I would miscarry, he continually used phrases like "if we have a baby" and "we'll know for sure once you go to the doctor". He never got very positive and it really hurt my feelings that he wouldn't accept the fact that we were probably having a baby.

But last night he told me "You know, I think this one is actually going to happen for us. I think everyone goes through their own crap when it comes to all of this, and I think we're finally over it". It was the first optimistic statement out of his mouth about pregnancies and babies in the last year and a half. By him having some confidence about this, I feel like I have even more myself. And then with the beta results today, I'm feeling very positive. Let's hope this feeling stays for awhile. I need these good vibes!