Happy, but still Numb
It's been awhile since I last posted, but within that time, I have now had two sucessful doctor's appointments and things are progressing well. At my first appointment at 6w1d, the baby measured small, but we did see the heart beat and measure it at 112 bpm. The doctor seemed to think everything was progressing well. I went back yesterday for my 7 week appointment, and the baby measured 7w1d (exactly on target) and the heart rate was 147 bpm. So everything is going great.
I went into the 6 week appointment with no problem. I just assumed that everything would be ok. I have seen a baby with a heart beat on an ultrasound before, so I guess I expected it. And John has been so positive about it and he went with me and wasn't worried at all. So I felt pretty good. Then last week the morning sickness also kicked in, and by Friday I was miserable (but thrilled that I was!). Then I started getting better. And by Sunday, I barely felt bad at all. I became panicked. By Monday I was a complete mess. On Tuesday, not so much better. But then on Wednesday, my ultrasound confirmed that everything was ok. No need to worry.
So I'm happy - but I still don't FEEL anything towards this baby. I know I'm pregnant, but I don't think my mind has made a decision on whether or not this pregnancy is ok. I feel terrible about that. I'm not negative about it, but I'm also not bonding with the baby and getting totally excited about it. Is that bad? I guess probably not considering what I've been through, but I feel like I'm cheating my little bean out of love or something. I know this is weird. I'm definitely happy, but I guess I just haven't wrapped my head around the idea yet. I think that's still going to take some time.
I have 3 more key ultrasounds, 1 each week for the next 3 weeks. After that I get to ditch the RE and go back to my regular doctor. My RE tried to say he would cut me loose at 8 weeks, but I gently reminded him that I lost the last baby after my 8 week ultrasound. Then the RE I saw this week (mine was out), tried to tell me the same thing. I told her what Dr. B and I had discussed and then she proceeded to tell me that only 5% of women lose their babies after they see a heart beat and that I was one of the unfortunate ones. Thanks for the reminder. Dr. B will be back next week, right?
I don't know. I guess it all goes back to the "innocence lost" thing. I can't let myself be too happy. I was miserable even trying to shop while on vacation. I didn't want to buy any regular clothes since that didn't make sense, but I didn't want to look at maternity clothes right now either. I feel like I'm in limbo. And that's not good for me when it comes to shopping - I love to shop! But I don't feel right buying myself something I don't really need when the baby is coming, and I don't want to buy anything for the baby. So I didn't buy anything at all. My husband will be thrilled to hear that, but it deeply pains me. Shopping is my hobby!
I know the confidence will grow in weeks. I have that 10 week appointment on my brain and I just feel that if I can get to that, I can make it. But since you base everything on previous experiences, I'm really just going to be thrilled to make it to 9 weeks - because it'll still be farther than I got last time. There's nothing I can do but wait. It's just such a frustrating feeling, but I know women in the TTC world know the "waiting" part so well.
Well, there's an extra 10 minutes that just passed. I'm getting closer!
4 Comments:
Lauren - you've been through a LOT! That happiness will come with time - you'll see. I think it's just a defense mechanism right now, but you'll get there. It sucks that you can't have that feeling like a woman pregnant for the first time and never had anything go wrong, but you also know so much more about yourself than you did before and when it comes time to bring this baby into the world - you're going to kick some a$$ at being a great mom!
Jackie
Lauren - (((HUGS))) I am so happy for you that all is going as scheduled w/ the little chickpea. I am sure it is hard not to worry. I wish there was a way I could speed up time time get you past or even better I could have a crystal ball & show you all is going to be o.k.
Lauren, I completely relate to everything that you've said. Hang in there. It does get easier with time.
And you are not robbing this little on of anything. You have plenty of time to bond before the birth. For now, be good to youself, stay away from food that sounds icky, and get plenty of rest. Eventually, you will find that you are believing that this pregnancy will work, and there, you will find an instant bond.
You aren't alone.
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}
I, too, was one of that unfortunate 5%... On July 2nd, I saw my baby's heart beating at 136 bpm... By July 19th, our baby had passed and I had to have a D&C. It does make it so much harder to have a subsequent pregnancy. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. It will take a while to settle in and be comfortable with being pregnant again. It's perfectly normal to be reserved during that time period. At least your doctor is willing to provide you with reassurance along the way. Best wishes to you and the little one growing within you!
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