The Wacky World of TTC

Unfortunately I've been blocked from posting at work the last couple of weeks.  But for now, it looks like I can post again, so I'm back!

Well, I'm starting to lose my positive attitude, just as I knew I would with AF due to arrive within the next 5-7 days.  My chart isn't looking the way I would like it to and erratic temperatures are usually a sure sign for me that I'm not pregnant.  I'm trying to prepare for this and be ready for AF's visit, but that's always easier said than done.  You still can't help but hold on to that small amount of hope in the back of your mind and in your heart.  Our timing wasn't very good due to John traveling, but I still just can't accept the truth until it's right in my face.

And you never know.  Miracles happen and usually when you least expect it.  So I keep holding onto that hope too.  It's not like a chart can ever really tell you "yes or no" whether you're pregnant.  Although I always believe mine can since my two pregnancy charts were both triphasic.  And I can't explain all the weird twitching feelings I had after ovulation this time.  You always want to believe it's more than it probably was - nothing.

As you can tell, my mind isn't even clear on what I want to believe right now.  I know now that it's just the way it goes when you're TTC.  I still fight the anger about even having to TTC right now.  As I've said before, getting pregnant has not been the hard part for me in the past.  So I just expected to breeze through the "getting pregnant" part and go straight to the "trying to keep the baby" part.  I know this is only the second month of TTC too.  This might actually take some time and I just haven't been able to get my head around that fact.  Obviously.

Life the past few weeks has continued "business as usual".  It has helped that work has been too busy to let me obsess too much.  And by setting some goals (all of which I accomplished except losing a pound - I think I went the other direction), I was able to focus on other activities in the evening too.  So this cycle has actually breezed by and I can't believe it's almost over.  My obsession is now pretty much in full swing (when I have a minute to think about it), but that's better than last cycle where I was a complete nut-case right after I ovulated.  Charting is such a good thing because it can tell you so much information about your cycles, but it just makes you completely wacky!  I can't even keep my thoughts straight right now.

Well, for now I will settle back into the "lots of work" pattern, especially since I'm going out of town today for work for a few days.  And by the time I'm back, AF will probably arrive shortly after, and then I'll mope and feel sorry for myself, and then I'll recover and realize how stupid I was being, and then it'll be ovulation time, and then I'll obsess a lot and be right back here.  Maybe I don't really need to chart my temperatures.  Maybe all I really need to chart is what my state of mind is, and that will translate to where I am in my cycle.

This stuff is too wacky.  At least I'm starting to accept myself this way.

Embracing the Positives (at least for now)

Believe it or not, I actually had a good weekend where I didn't dwell on TTC. And today hasn't been so bad either. I'm trying this new take on life where I actually look at all the positives (my husband, my family, my friends, my health, my job, etc.) and realize that I really am lucky. I may not be blessed with a baby (hopefully that's a "yet"), but I do have some amazing things to be thankful for. I know this is a pretty typical outlook for most people, but it's a little new to me. I tend to be a "glass is half empty" type of person.

I'm not crazy. I know this attitude won't last forever, but I'm trying to embrace it while it's here. I remember back in the clomid days when AF showed up I would feel so defeated and I would tell my husband that there was no way I could go through it all again (and this was just clomid!). But then about a week later when I was gearing up to ovulate, I would have a change in heart and go for it again and suck up and deal with all of the doctor's appointments. I finally did give up on clomid, but that's not the point. :)

So today I feel good. I'm truly happy and excited for my pregnant friends, I really am. I'm happy about where my life is now. And I'm excited about the possibility of life changing drastically with the addition of a little one. I still know in my heart that this can happen for us. Now I'm just praying for a CD 14-15 ovulation instead of CD 18 so John will be in town. I seem to alternate each cycle and if the pattern sticks, it should be around CD 14 this time.

I do have to admit though that I have a lot of faith in this cycle, so it will be very disappointing if it doesn't happen. The second cycle of trying is always my luckiest. And then there's the due date thing - my first baby was due in October. My second was due in April. And my third was due in October. If I get pregnant this cycle - it's back to April. I'm not sure if this is really a good thing based on my history, but I'll take it anyway.

Big News Flash - Life Isn't Fair!

Life isn't fair. Every one of us knows that. It's no big secret. Sometimes, you are handed the best gifts in life and the best circumstances, and then there are lots of times when you are dealt just pure crap. Unfortunately, some people have to deal with more crap than others.

I've learned a lot of lessons this week in my wallow of self pity. As you've probably read on my blog this week, I was devastated to learn that I was not pregnant and that I would have to start a whole new TTC cycle. Big Deal! I WILL get over that. I will survive another cycle of TTC. It is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I can manage just fine through it. Yes, I'm jealous I'm not pregnant and others are, but I will deal with that in time.

Why the sudden change in attitude? Minutes ago I just learned that one of my good online friends has just experienced an early miscarriage. I've seen this happen to myself and so many people before, but this one just hit me so hard. This was someone that learned she was pregnant just as I was learning I was not. And I feel terrible that I was not there to support her when she learned she was pregnant, because I was so consumed with my own pity party and worrying about myself. I should have been there for her as she had those doubts and should have put my own emotions on the back burner. She probably doesn't even know all of this or think that I did anything wrong, but in my heart I did.

I really doubted that I could possibly learn or understand anything by me not getting pregnant this month. But lo and behold - there it is. I need to be a better friend, whether I like the circumstances or not. I need to lend my support wherever I can. Life isn't all about ME. I need to think about myself, but then also of the others who are in my life.

Jenn, I'm thinking about you and my heart broke a little bit more for you today. You are in my prayers.

Shifting Focus

Last cycle obviously hurt me bad. I thought I was ready to jump in there and TTC again, but it was definitely harder than I remembered. That wasn't too fun at all. And I obsessed way too much - which is hard to stop. I will be TTC again this cycle, but in the mean time, I'm going to try to shift my focus onto some other things in my life.

So for now, I have come up with a list of very simple goals that I need to complete by the end of next week. They have absolutely nothing to do with TTC and won't make me stop TTC, but they are designed to make me think about other things, especially when I'm home at night. I've dedicated so much of my life to TTC right now and I just need to shift some attention to some other things.

So here are my goals this week. Like I said, nothing fancy. Just simple things to make me concentrate on something else.
1. Work on my website and post my Yosemite pictures so my friends can see that I actually did go there.
2. Complete at least one scrapbook page. I love to scrapbook but have set it aside for months because I'm lazy and it takes a lot of time.
3. Finish organizing all the crap I moved from my bedroom to the floor of my craft room when we painted the bedroom.
4. Lose 1 pound. I always say I'm going to lose these 10 pounds that I hate, so now it's time to do it. I'll gladly give up this goal later if I become pregnant, but for now, I'll actually try. But this one can't start until after we have DH's birthday cake.

See, pretty simple stuff. Things I can definitely accomplish in a week. I think I'll feel better about myself if I can acheive some simple goals that have nothing to do with TTC. I need to get out of this funk, and now!

The Not-So-Easy Part

I'm bitter. I'm mad. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm a lot of things right now that aren't very pretty. On the outside I'm holding on ok. To the naked eye, you might sense that something is a bit off, but I put on a good show mostly. Most of the people around me know I'm about to lose it anyway after what has happened the last year and a half, but I manage to hang on ok.

On Thursday, my not-so-good-friend "Spot" came to visit. When Spot shows up, it's usually only to announce that my stupid Aunt Flo will be coming by to visit in a few days. This time was no exception. By Sunday, my dream of a March baby came to a halting end when Flo showed up on schedule. Of course it wasn't too much of a surprise after I saw Spot and saw my temperature shoot down that morning, but it's still upsetting all the same. It's still the end to something you want so badly. So I'm upset, bitter - all of the above. I'm just plain mad!

This was supposed to be the EASY part for me! My hard part is staying pregnant, not getting pregnant! I'm mad that even after I go through cycle after who knows how many cycles to get pregnant, there is no guarantee that I really will be having a baby. I'm mad that even when I do get pregnant, I have about a 50% shot at keeping the pregnancy. I'm mad that I have to wait to get pregnant one more time "just to see" if it stinks before we have to move on to IVF. I'm mad that if we do eventually go to IVF, that I have to waste these months trying to get pregnant on my own. I'm mad that if we go to IVF, that I have to experience another loss first.

I'm mad that I can't make deals with God. I tried this before I got pregnant the third time. I made a deal with God, but apparently He never shook on it. I know better than to do this, but like I am now, I was desparate. I went through the whole clomid crap before getting pregnant the third time, and that was going nowhere. No pregnancy. So I told God first, that I was not giving up. That until He gave me a clear sign that I could not have a baby, that I was going to do everything in my power to have one. Then I begged and pleaded and cried and told Him that if He did not intend for me to have a baby during my third pregnancy, that I did not want to be pregnant at all. Like I said, He never made that promise, and instead I got pregnant shortly after and experienced my third loss. I blamed God for awhile since I had no one else to blame. I know this is all wrong and I know God doesn't make promises and guarantees, but like I said, I was desparate. I still felt completely let down.

So now what? My doctor says I have to get pregnant one more time before we move to other options (namely IVF). When I heard that, in my brain it sounded easy - the getting pregnant part. I've managed to do this 3 times before, all with little effort if you don't count the clomid cycles. So I guess I just assumed that I'd be pregnant on the first try, even though I know in my head that the chances of this are always slim. But pair that with a recent HSG, a positive HPT dream and a baby to break the March hospital curse, and I thought I was a shoe-in. I was so wrong. So very very wrong.

This was supposed to be the easy part! And it's not. I almost forgot how much this sucks cycle after cycle. I almost forgot the little heartbreak you get each month when Flo comes to visit or when you take that negative HPT. I almost forgot about it all. But unfortunately, I get to remember now. I didn't want to, but it's not my choice. I did everything I could, but it just wasn't God's will for me. I don't know why. I guess I'll never be able to answer that.

So now I'll move to the next cycle. The second cycle was always the best one for me anyway. Never mind the fact that there's a really good chance John will be in Chicago when I ovulate. I can't think about that now. I just have to forge ahead, put on my best "I'm ok - really" face and keep waiting. I have to keep smiling as all my friend's babies are born and keep moving ahead with life as I know it. I have to keep adjusting myself to the possibility of life without children - something I'm not even close to doing yet, but something that becomes more of a possibility with each passing month.

I guess the thing that makes me the maddest is that this is what defines me right now. This is who I am. Most of my life now directly or indirectly revolves around me having a baby. This is my cross to bear. I don't really love the person that I've become. I liked me better when I could talk to my friends about anything and when I thrived on visiting a friend's new baby and snuggling up to it, knowing that my own would be here soon. Before I ever knew about the struggles I was in for. I liked the happy-go-lucky attitude I had and I liked smiling. I miss her. I miss that woman I had known for all of those years. Will she ever come back?

I'm not happy with the woman my struggle has defined. She's stronger, she appreciates the small things in life more, but she's just so broken. She has a hole in her heart that can't be mended, no matter how much love her husband and family and friends give her. There's a clear void in her life that can't be filled with anything, no matter how hard she tries. She's sad, she's bitter. She smiles less and less often. I struggled through high school and college and finally became happy with who I was. It took me a logn time to adjust to who I was, but I ended up loving being her. And now she's completely different and I don't know how to fit myself into her. I guess I never wanted to become this new person and I just can't accept her yet. I know I can't see it now, but I know that in the end, everything will turn out ok. That there may never be a baby in my future, but that somehow, I will accept that and learn how to move on. I don't know how I will ever stop being bitter if this is what life has in store for me, but I guess I'll figure it out later. For now, I just need to keep trying to adjust to this new reality. I'm just not sure how yet.