The Wacky World of TTC

Unfortunately I've been blocked from posting at work the last couple of weeks.  But for now, it looks like I can post again, so I'm back!

Well, I'm starting to lose my positive attitude, just as I knew I would with AF due to arrive within the next 5-7 days.  My chart isn't looking the way I would like it to and erratic temperatures are usually a sure sign for me that I'm not pregnant.  I'm trying to prepare for this and be ready for AF's visit, but that's always easier said than done.  You still can't help but hold on to that small amount of hope in the back of your mind and in your heart.  Our timing wasn't very good due to John traveling, but I still just can't accept the truth until it's right in my face.

And you never know.  Miracles happen and usually when you least expect it.  So I keep holding onto that hope too.  It's not like a chart can ever really tell you "yes or no" whether you're pregnant.  Although I always believe mine can since my two pregnancy charts were both triphasic.  And I can't explain all the weird twitching feelings I had after ovulation this time.  You always want to believe it's more than it probably was - nothing.

As you can tell, my mind isn't even clear on what I want to believe right now.  I know now that it's just the way it goes when you're TTC.  I still fight the anger about even having to TTC right now.  As I've said before, getting pregnant has not been the hard part for me in the past.  So I just expected to breeze through the "getting pregnant" part and go straight to the "trying to keep the baby" part.  I know this is only the second month of TTC too.  This might actually take some time and I just haven't been able to get my head around that fact.  Obviously.

Life the past few weeks has continued "business as usual".  It has helped that work has been too busy to let me obsess too much.  And by setting some goals (all of which I accomplished except losing a pound - I think I went the other direction), I was able to focus on other activities in the evening too.  So this cycle has actually breezed by and I can't believe it's almost over.  My obsession is now pretty much in full swing (when I have a minute to think about it), but that's better than last cycle where I was a complete nut-case right after I ovulated.  Charting is such a good thing because it can tell you so much information about your cycles, but it just makes you completely wacky!  I can't even keep my thoughts straight right now.

Well, for now I will settle back into the "lots of work" pattern, especially since I'm going out of town today for work for a few days.  And by the time I'm back, AF will probably arrive shortly after, and then I'll mope and feel sorry for myself, and then I'll recover and realize how stupid I was being, and then it'll be ovulation time, and then I'll obsess a lot and be right back here.  Maybe I don't really need to chart my temperatures.  Maybe all I really need to chart is what my state of mind is, and that will translate to where I am in my cycle.

This stuff is too wacky.  At least I'm starting to accept myself this way.