The Not-So-Easy Part

I'm bitter. I'm mad. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm a lot of things right now that aren't very pretty. On the outside I'm holding on ok. To the naked eye, you might sense that something is a bit off, but I put on a good show mostly. Most of the people around me know I'm about to lose it anyway after what has happened the last year and a half, but I manage to hang on ok.

On Thursday, my not-so-good-friend "Spot" came to visit. When Spot shows up, it's usually only to announce that my stupid Aunt Flo will be coming by to visit in a few days. This time was no exception. By Sunday, my dream of a March baby came to a halting end when Flo showed up on schedule. Of course it wasn't too much of a surprise after I saw Spot and saw my temperature shoot down that morning, but it's still upsetting all the same. It's still the end to something you want so badly. So I'm upset, bitter - all of the above. I'm just plain mad!

This was supposed to be the EASY part for me! My hard part is staying pregnant, not getting pregnant! I'm mad that even after I go through cycle after who knows how many cycles to get pregnant, there is no guarantee that I really will be having a baby. I'm mad that even when I do get pregnant, I have about a 50% shot at keeping the pregnancy. I'm mad that I have to wait to get pregnant one more time "just to see" if it stinks before we have to move on to IVF. I'm mad that if we do eventually go to IVF, that I have to waste these months trying to get pregnant on my own. I'm mad that if we go to IVF, that I have to experience another loss first.

I'm mad that I can't make deals with God. I tried this before I got pregnant the third time. I made a deal with God, but apparently He never shook on it. I know better than to do this, but like I am now, I was desparate. I went through the whole clomid crap before getting pregnant the third time, and that was going nowhere. No pregnancy. So I told God first, that I was not giving up. That until He gave me a clear sign that I could not have a baby, that I was going to do everything in my power to have one. Then I begged and pleaded and cried and told Him that if He did not intend for me to have a baby during my third pregnancy, that I did not want to be pregnant at all. Like I said, He never made that promise, and instead I got pregnant shortly after and experienced my third loss. I blamed God for awhile since I had no one else to blame. I know this is all wrong and I know God doesn't make promises and guarantees, but like I said, I was desparate. I still felt completely let down.

So now what? My doctor says I have to get pregnant one more time before we move to other options (namely IVF). When I heard that, in my brain it sounded easy - the getting pregnant part. I've managed to do this 3 times before, all with little effort if you don't count the clomid cycles. So I guess I just assumed that I'd be pregnant on the first try, even though I know in my head that the chances of this are always slim. But pair that with a recent HSG, a positive HPT dream and a baby to break the March hospital curse, and I thought I was a shoe-in. I was so wrong. So very very wrong.

This was supposed to be the easy part! And it's not. I almost forgot how much this sucks cycle after cycle. I almost forgot the little heartbreak you get each month when Flo comes to visit or when you take that negative HPT. I almost forgot about it all. But unfortunately, I get to remember now. I didn't want to, but it's not my choice. I did everything I could, but it just wasn't God's will for me. I don't know why. I guess I'll never be able to answer that.

So now I'll move to the next cycle. The second cycle was always the best one for me anyway. Never mind the fact that there's a really good chance John will be in Chicago when I ovulate. I can't think about that now. I just have to forge ahead, put on my best "I'm ok - really" face and keep waiting. I have to keep smiling as all my friend's babies are born and keep moving ahead with life as I know it. I have to keep adjusting myself to the possibility of life without children - something I'm not even close to doing yet, but something that becomes more of a possibility with each passing month.

I guess the thing that makes me the maddest is that this is what defines me right now. This is who I am. Most of my life now directly or indirectly revolves around me having a baby. This is my cross to bear. I don't really love the person that I've become. I liked me better when I could talk to my friends about anything and when I thrived on visiting a friend's new baby and snuggling up to it, knowing that my own would be here soon. Before I ever knew about the struggles I was in for. I liked the happy-go-lucky attitude I had and I liked smiling. I miss her. I miss that woman I had known for all of those years. Will she ever come back?

I'm not happy with the woman my struggle has defined. She's stronger, she appreciates the small things in life more, but she's just so broken. She has a hole in her heart that can't be mended, no matter how much love her husband and family and friends give her. There's a clear void in her life that can't be filled with anything, no matter how hard she tries. She's sad, she's bitter. She smiles less and less often. I struggled through high school and college and finally became happy with who I was. It took me a logn time to adjust to who I was, but I ended up loving being her. And now she's completely different and I don't know how to fit myself into her. I guess I never wanted to become this new person and I just can't accept her yet. I know I can't see it now, but I know that in the end, everything will turn out ok. That there may never be a baby in my future, but that somehow, I will accept that and learn how to move on. I don't know how I will ever stop being bitter if this is what life has in store for me, but I guess I'll figure it out later. For now, I just need to keep trying to adjust to this new reality. I'm just not sure how yet.