One Year Ago

I didn't quite catch on until I was walking the corridors of the hospital yesterday. I was there for my hospital tour, one of the last things on my list to prep for Pea's arrival. As John and I were walking with the group, I saw a familiar area - it was the surgical area, the place I had previously checked in for 2 D&C's. The last one being a year from today, just a day shy of a year yesterday. And then it hit me. I didn't get too sad. It was just a bit somber and sullen. I was now at the hospital for a really happy occasion and I knew the next time I was there would be wonderful.

It was a year ago today that after a full day of spotting at 10 weeks, the bleeding got worse, so I called the on-call doctor in the morning as instructed to tell him it had not stopped. He scheduled me to come in for an ultrasound at noon on that Sunday. I remember sitting in the hallway of the doctor's floor with my mother, just waiting for him to arrive. John was out of town for a conference. When the doctor arrived, he confirmed what I already knew in my heart. That my third little angel had passed, probably within days of the 8 week ultrasound when I saw her beating heart. I later learned it was because of a chromosomal defect (Triploidy XXX - 3 sets of genes instead of 2) that she never would have survived. And of course from the "XXX" gene, I knew my angel would have been a little girl.

Sometimes it's tough to think this way, but if it wasn't for the sacrifice of that little one, Pea would not be here right now, ready to be born in just a month or so. I can't imagine my life any differently, as sad as it is to lose a baby (or several) to a miscarriage. I'm sad for my loss, but I embrace the baby I will have and know that everything happened for a reason - some of which I don't understand.

And then there are my FF sista's. Just about a year ago, a group of us banded together to form a buddy group. We had all experienced a loss and were all waiting to try again for one reason or another - whether doctor's orders or just sorting through things emotionally. I wish I could say that each and every one of them was pregnant today. Unfortunately we all know how much of a struggle TTC can sometimes be and I am eagerly awaiting positives from several women. I can't wait to share in their joy - which I know I will. But we have had some very happy occasions to share anyway. Several are now pregnant, one is adopting a baby from Russia, and aside from things related to babies, we have all celebrated special moments in each others lives - like new jobs, vacations, etc. We've also supported each other in so many difficult situations. I can't imagine my life without these women and they have been so supportive of me and Pea.

And of course just 9 days ago, Christine became the first new mom from the group. She gave birth to her beautiful daughter, Maura, after 2 consecutive miscarriages. I can't believe just a year later, we have our first miracle among us. I think for each of us in the group, it was like we were celebrating our own child being born. We were glued to the computer waiting for news and I think we all shed tears of happiness to hear of her arrival.

One year ago today. My world has changed so much! A year ago I was at my lowest point ever, and I think today I'm the complete opposite. I wish the same for all of my sista's and wish we could all be in the same situation. But I have tremendous faith that we will be soon. We were brought together for a reason.