Maybe a Little Early?

I had my 38 week doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I didn't expect too much of a change in status based on the way I felt and because I could tell Pea hadn't dropped still. Sure enough I was only about 1.5 cm dilated (.5 more than last week), 50% effaced and Pea had dropped a tiny bit, but was still -2 station (the highest they measure). None of that was a surprise.

I asked my doctor that based on these stats, he pretty much thought I would go to my due date or after, right? He said yes. And then I mentioned going over the due date and that he would not let me go more than about a week, right? And here's where I was a bit surprised - he said he might actually take her early.

I'm not a very big person at all. I'm only 5'1" (almost) and all along he's been a bit worried about me delivering a big baby. Even though I didn't gain any weight this week (actually down a pound), my stomach has continued to grown - I'm now measuring 40 weeks. He wants to check next week on an u/s how big the baby is. If she is pretty big, he might go ahead and induce next week instead of waiting. It would still be just under a week before my due date anyway. But this was a little bit of a surprise. In my opinion, a good one.

I've always thought I'd go over my due date anyway. And I really think at this rate, I might go over far enough to be induced anyway. So going early doesn't sound all that bad to me at all. I know some people would argue with me that induction is more painful and it's better to go later and wait. But in this case, it really could help me. First, I can make sure John will actually be home. If I go into labor when he's out of town, he's got to drive back. Chances are he'd get here in time for the delivery, but I really don't want him to miss any of it. I want him there from the beginning, driving me to the hospital. Second, I could actually have an end date at work. I'm not very productive right now anyway and I'm ready to go. But leaving before the baby is born means taking vacation days - which I need to save for my maternity leave. I know, this is very selfish to want to have a baby early because of work - don't judge me on this reason. It does go through my mind though. And finally, if it makes my likelihood of delivering vaginally greater as opposed to a c-section, then I want to go for it.

Ever since this appointment and the realization that the baby *could* be here next week, my mind has been swimming. And time is passing so very slowly. Now I am more anxious than ever for Pea to get here. I'm totally restless and I'm not sleeping well. I'm also pretty irritable. I guess it's just that I'm 38 weeks pregnant and pretty ready to be done with it, no matter how smooth the pregnancy has been. I just want her here. My doctor even said "if you go into labor this week on your own, that would be perfectly fine with me". So he's ready for her to come too (but for size reasons of course, not because he's anxious).

It seems like everyone else is having their baby already. I know this isn't really true, but it does make me envious. It's hard not to be. My friend L was due 3 days after me and she was induced yesterday. She was induced because of high blood pressure. Now, I wouldn't want that and wouldn't have wanted to be in her situation, but I'm still jealous that she's now holding her baby. Is that insane for me to think like that? Probably. But that's how I feel - even though I may only be a week away myself. Maybe I'm just irritated because I saw her the night before she had him and she wasn't even excited or anything. She just said "I'm trying not to think about it". If I was having a baby the next day, I'd be bouncing off the walls! Maybe she was scared, but that irritated me that she wasn't excited.

And then to top it off, my mom has pretty much taken my latest visit to mean that I definitely WILL be induced and that it WILL be next week. So she's all giddy and excited and I have to calm her down and tell her that it might not even happen - it depends on the ultrasound. But regardless, she called me last night to ask about L. But all she wanted to know was what time the baby was born and what time did they start inducing her. Gee, why would you want to know how long it took to induce her? I didn't know the answer to when they started, but I still snapped at her and told her that I knew she only wanted to know that because of me, and that she couldn't compare us, it's different for everyone, and that we didn't even know if I would be induced anyway! I was so frustrated! I know I was a little mean, but I just can't take it right now.

Tonight I am having dinner with my mom and her husband because it is his birthday. For one night, I would like it not to be all about the baby. That's all they ever talk about. Sometimes that is really nice (especially since my in-laws don't ever mention the baby), but sometimes I just need a break. And that would be now. My emotions are just going nutty right now. I can't even think straight and like I said, I'm not sleeping well. I was up at 4:30 this morning and here it is 5:30 and I'm on blogger BEFORE I get ready and leave for work. This is a first.

I'll be ok. I'm sure it's just the hormones raging and the realization setting in that this is all about to happen. As anxious as I am, I'm sure I'm still a little afraid of what is to come and a little scared to get there.

Baby Haikus

On the April Due Date boards on FF, some people started a thread with Haikus about their babies. I thought it was such a cute idea that I decided to make my own.

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Have not met you yet
But already so in love
My heart is all yours

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Growing out of clothes
How much bigger can you get?
Guess I will shrink soon

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Want to buy new shoes
But feet are way too swollen
Come out, shop with me!

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Nursery ready
Bags are packed and seat in car
Just need you, Baby!

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I cherish this time
As you grow in my belly
I will miss this bond

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I know, kind of silly. But I just thought the idea was so cute and I wanted to capture more moments before Pea gets here. I think these last few weeks will be very bittersweet. Although I can't wait for her to get here, I know I will really miss being pregnant. Despite the pains and uncomfort, I love this feeling and wouldn't change it for the world.

37 Weeks - Full Term, Baby!

Today marks the 37 week point. I am officially labeled full term, and if Pea decides to come tomorrow, she's coming tomorrow! Crazy to think about - but very exciting too.

I had another internal exam this morning. Pea is still very high and not dropping at all, but I am encouraged that my cervix is very soft and I am 1 cm dilated. So at least there is some progress this week. It still will probably be awhile, but at least we're headed in the right direction. The Strep B test was negative, so no worries about that.

I decided that instead of complaining today (which I could easily do), I would list some things that I will miss when I'm no longer pregnant.

- Almost every week, my neighbor pulls in our trash can on trash day because she feels sorry for me having to do it and knows John is out of town.
- Strangers in general are more friendly, chat with you more, hold doors open more often.
- I don't have to tuck in any shirts or worry about my normally poochy belly.
- I can wear the same clothes over and over again and no one cares - everyone knows I can barely fit into anything anymore.
- When I'm trying to hurry my co-workers to lunch, I can always blame the baby and say she's hungry.
- I can bring the baby to work and feel her all day in my tummy. And I always have two hands free by not having to carry her yet!
- I don't feel guilty about what I eat.

I'm sure I could think of more, but those are some of the perks off the top of my head. So it's not all completely bad. Of course having my baby in my arms will outweigh everything, but for now, I'll focus on the good things about being pregnant.

No Progress Just Yet...

I just got back from my first internal check appointment. I know I'm only 36 weeks and what you find out doesn't really mean anything in many cases, but I was hoping for more. As of now, I'm not dilated at all, I'm barely effaced and the baby's head is not even close to being engaged. Ok, there's still quite a bit of time so I can't be too concerned. I guess I was just hoping for more of a signal to know when she might be here. I'm getting anxious!

And I'm getting more pain. Life is definitely a lot more uncomfortable at 36 weeks. There's just a lot of pressure "down there" and frequent general pain all around. My feet often hurt and swell if I'm too active, but everyone says to stay active. It's a hard balance. And I almost always feel like I need to go to the bathroom. Oh, and my under-the-belly pants dig into me and hurt too much to wear - especially the jeans.

Ok, that's all the complaining I'll allow myself to do. I'm still so incredibly lucky and all the rest of these things are just small scarifices I have to make to get to the ultimate goal of having a baby. I can handle it for 4-5 more weeks. No problem!

But everything else is still fine. The baby is pretty active lately and her heartbeat was 168 bpm. My belly grew another 3 cm in just a week - that's kind of scary. I guess she might end up being closer to 8 pounds in the end since she was already about 5 1/2 last week. I also gained another 3 pounds in just the past week - yikes! That puts me up to 30 pounds gained. I blame work for those last 3 pounds though - I'm still eating leftover cake from my surprise shower. LOL!

One Last Peek Before Birth

Yesterday I had my 35 week appointment and my final scheduled ultrasound with my doctor. It had been 16 weeks since I last saw Pea, so I was very anxious for the day to come. Plus, John was going to be there too - he hadn't seen Pea since she was 12 weeks!

Before the ultrasound I got my normal measurements and such. 2 more pounds gained (yikes!) and normal blood pressure. My fundal height soared from 31 cm to 35 cm in just 2 1/2 weeks. After my doctor measured me he said that he was glad I had grown because the fact that I didn't last time (I was 31 cm at 30w3d and at 32w3d) was one of the reasons he wanted to do the u/s this time. I'm glad he didn't tell me that last appointment - I would have been freaked out!

Anyway, the ultrasound went great. Of course the machine wasn't the fanciest so the pictures are bad and it's so hard to tell what is what since she's so big now. But the head, abdomen and leg all measured right at 35 weeks. We also confirmed that Pea is in fact a girl. The doctor pointed out the vulva and I said "I guess we're ok with all the pink we bought". To which he replied "Yeah, we don't typically see those on boys". Of course I have no idea what we were actually looking at (and neither did John), but we'll take his word for it.

Pea is head down as I expected based on her kicks. Dr. L. expects that she'll probably stay that way at this point. The placenta is still in front and is low, but is not previa, so no issues there. Based on her measurements, he estimated her weight to be 5 1/2 pounds.

So next Tuesday I go back in and start my weekly appointments. He's going to start the internal checks and also do the strep B test. I can't believe we're almost at that point. It's gone so slow at times, but now it seems to be approaching fast. I can't wait! At this point, anything I have left to do isn't critical. She has a doctor, a place to sleep, a car seat - the important stuff. And so many people that already love her tremendously.

My next peek of my little one will be when she is born - how exciting to think about!

One Year Ago

I didn't quite catch on until I was walking the corridors of the hospital yesterday. I was there for my hospital tour, one of the last things on my list to prep for Pea's arrival. As John and I were walking with the group, I saw a familiar area - it was the surgical area, the place I had previously checked in for 2 D&C's. The last one being a year from today, just a day shy of a year yesterday. And then it hit me. I didn't get too sad. It was just a bit somber and sullen. I was now at the hospital for a really happy occasion and I knew the next time I was there would be wonderful.

It was a year ago today that after a full day of spotting at 10 weeks, the bleeding got worse, so I called the on-call doctor in the morning as instructed to tell him it had not stopped. He scheduled me to come in for an ultrasound at noon on that Sunday. I remember sitting in the hallway of the doctor's floor with my mother, just waiting for him to arrive. John was out of town for a conference. When the doctor arrived, he confirmed what I already knew in my heart. That my third little angel had passed, probably within days of the 8 week ultrasound when I saw her beating heart. I later learned it was because of a chromosomal defect (Triploidy XXX - 3 sets of genes instead of 2) that she never would have survived. And of course from the "XXX" gene, I knew my angel would have been a little girl.

Sometimes it's tough to think this way, but if it wasn't for the sacrifice of that little one, Pea would not be here right now, ready to be born in just a month or so. I can't imagine my life any differently, as sad as it is to lose a baby (or several) to a miscarriage. I'm sad for my loss, but I embrace the baby I will have and know that everything happened for a reason - some of which I don't understand.

And then there are my FF sista's. Just about a year ago, a group of us banded together to form a buddy group. We had all experienced a loss and were all waiting to try again for one reason or another - whether doctor's orders or just sorting through things emotionally. I wish I could say that each and every one of them was pregnant today. Unfortunately we all know how much of a struggle TTC can sometimes be and I am eagerly awaiting positives from several women. I can't wait to share in their joy - which I know I will. But we have had some very happy occasions to share anyway. Several are now pregnant, one is adopting a baby from Russia, and aside from things related to babies, we have all celebrated special moments in each others lives - like new jobs, vacations, etc. We've also supported each other in so many difficult situations. I can't imagine my life without these women and they have been so supportive of me and Pea.

And of course just 9 days ago, Christine became the first new mom from the group. She gave birth to her beautiful daughter, Maura, after 2 consecutive miscarriages. I can't believe just a year later, we have our first miracle among us. I think for each of us in the group, it was like we were celebrating our own child being born. We were glued to the computer waiting for news and I think we all shed tears of happiness to hear of her arrival.

One year ago today. My world has changed so much! A year ago I was at my lowest point ever, and I think today I'm the complete opposite. I wish the same for all of my sista's and wish we could all be in the same situation. But I have tremendous faith that we will be soon. We were brought together for a reason.