Green in Calgary

I'm in Calgary for work and haven't had much time to read blogs, check in on FF, etc. I'm actually leaving in just about 15 minutes, but thought I'd write a quick post.

This was the first week that I didn't have a doctor's appointment. I thought I'd be ok with that, but now I'm really ready to check on Pea again and make sure everything is still ok. I'm not sure what I do feel or don't feel at this point. I still don't feel great, but no nausea or anything. Not that I've had too much anyway. My belly is still sticking out quite a bit, so I feel positive that it must be growing from Pea and not just from everything I've been eating (my appetite has subsided a bit lately). I'm not nervous that anything is wrong, I just want the reassurance that everything is ok. So maybe I do have a little fear. But I'm still holding on strong and staying positive.

I found out this weekend that two of my cousin's wives are pregnant. My mother thought this was soooo exciting that there would be 3 babies born within a month (at least we each have due dates within a month). I myself didn't find it too great. I was disappointed that I managed to come up with several reasons in my head why it wasn't fair that either of them are pregnant. Why in the world does it still bother me to hear about people being pregnant? I'm definitely happy for each of my online friends the second they find out, but why not these other women? I decided that I was just jealous. Jealous about the fact that both of them are due after me (one 3 days after, the other 4 weeks after) and they are already able to share their news with the world. Yet I'm still over here keeping my mouth sealed from those that are not online and counting the days until I feel "safe enough" to share my good fortune. I'm also jealous that they never had to go through what I did and feel that pain. I don't WANT them to have to at all, but I'm just jealous their pregnancies are so innocent. I think that's what it comes down to. They have no fears and no reason to worry that anything will be wrong. I'm jealous of that. I so wish I had that.

Not much longer to wait. Maybe after that I can actually be happy for those women I see every day with the beautiful bellies who had no trouble whatsoever once they found out they were pregnant. I hope so. I don't like being this way at all.