Green in Calgary

I'm in Calgary for work and haven't had much time to read blogs, check in on FF, etc. I'm actually leaving in just about 15 minutes, but thought I'd write a quick post.

This was the first week that I didn't have a doctor's appointment. I thought I'd be ok with that, but now I'm really ready to check on Pea again and make sure everything is still ok. I'm not sure what I do feel or don't feel at this point. I still don't feel great, but no nausea or anything. Not that I've had too much anyway. My belly is still sticking out quite a bit, so I feel positive that it must be growing from Pea and not just from everything I've been eating (my appetite has subsided a bit lately). I'm not nervous that anything is wrong, I just want the reassurance that everything is ok. So maybe I do have a little fear. But I'm still holding on strong and staying positive.

I found out this weekend that two of my cousin's wives are pregnant. My mother thought this was soooo exciting that there would be 3 babies born within a month (at least we each have due dates within a month). I myself didn't find it too great. I was disappointed that I managed to come up with several reasons in my head why it wasn't fair that either of them are pregnant. Why in the world does it still bother me to hear about people being pregnant? I'm definitely happy for each of my online friends the second they find out, but why not these other women? I decided that I was just jealous. Jealous about the fact that both of them are due after me (one 3 days after, the other 4 weeks after) and they are already able to share their news with the world. Yet I'm still over here keeping my mouth sealed from those that are not online and counting the days until I feel "safe enough" to share my good fortune. I'm also jealous that they never had to go through what I did and feel that pain. I don't WANT them to have to at all, but I'm just jealous their pregnancies are so innocent. I think that's what it comes down to. They have no fears and no reason to worry that anything will be wrong. I'm jealous of that. I so wish I had that.

Not much longer to wait. Maybe after that I can actually be happy for those women I see every day with the beautiful bellies who had no trouble whatsoever once they found out they were pregnant. I hope so. I don't like being this way at all.

Graduation Day

I did it. I made it sucessfully to 10 weeks and I graduated from the RE and officially go back to my old doctor. There's nothing magic about 10 weeks - only that I haven't made it that far before and it's considered a good point to be at when worried about miscarrying. I know it's not a guarantee that everything will be perfect from here on out, but right now - who cares! I'm just so happy to finally be where I am!

We'll never know what the difference was this time. Maybe it was the mega doses of Folic Acid I'm on for my MTHFR gene mutation. Maybe it's the Juice Plus that my husband got me taking after he talked to a woman on a plane who told him her friend took it after 8 miscarriages and had a successful pregnancy after that. Maybe it's just luck - I got a good egg this time, and not a bad one (picturing Veruca Salt falling down the "bad egg" shute right now). Who knows. But I do know that I feel very lucky, very happy and very thankful. I'm still not exactly sure why I had to go through all of that other crap to get here, but regardless, I'm thankful.

The appointment was great. We did an abdominal ultrasound this time, which I had never had before. Little Pea was moving all around, kicking its legs, waving its arms. It was an active little bean! The heart rate was 171 bpm and baby measured at 10 weeks, 4 days. In just a week Pea grew something like 1.3 centimeters! So exciting! Of course the tears streamed down my face as the tech pointed out the little kicks and the measurements. I can't remember being happier. I wish John could have been there to see it. Last time he was able to go to an ultrasound with me, the baby was 6 weeks and just a little blob with a heart beat.

After the ultrasound, I met with Dr. B. I don't know who was more excited - me or him. He kept telling me how happy he was and how he was so glad I made it to this point. And right away he asked "You're going to fire me today, right?" It was so neat. I cried again - I couldn't help it. He checked me out and made sure everything was ok one last time and again told me how happy he was. He told me I was ready to go back to Dr. L and that if anything were to happen, to let Dr. L know that I belong to Dr. B. I got my final report to bring to Dr. L and strolled out of the office without having to make another appointment at the front desk. It's official - I have moved on. Bye bye, Dr. B!

So tomorrow I'll call Dr. L's office and make my next appointment. Now I can try to focus on all of the other worries that come with having a baby and try not to think about miscarrying any longer. To all the pesimists out there (I am one too, after all), I know I still have a chance of miscarrying. But for once, I'm not acknowledging that fact. Why should I? I'm totally wrapped into this now. Nothing could make me hurt less if anything happens - so why not just be happy. I'm glad I can finally tell myself to just be happy.

It's bittersweet today because I'm about to go to my Bunco group and I would love nothing more than to tell them all my good news. But I still would rather wait. It's just not time yet. I have plenty of friends and family that already know about my pregnancy that can be happy for me right now. I still want to be patient about announcing this to the world. But it will happen. I'm less than 3 weeks away from the second trimester!

Once again, thank you everyone for your never-ending support and love. I know I always say this, but I really could not of gotten here without you. So this piece of good news is something that I hope you will all celebrate - not just for me, but for you. You helped me get here. Six months ago I was ready to give up and wasn't sure I could ever deal with a pregnancy again. And here I am. Maybe it's not folic acid, Juice Plus or luck. Maybe it's love and friendship and support. Why did this have to happen? Well if it didn't, I never would have met any of you. And my life is now better for knowing each and every one of you.

Ok, can you tell I'm emotional? Gotta get my game face on now. It's Bunco time!

Before the Big Appointment

I've been such a bad blogger. I'm just too busy and too tired! So I thought I'd go ahead and blog really quickly before I go to the BIG appointment. Not the one where I find out the sex (that's still a long way from now), but the appointment when I find out if I get to graduate from my RE and head back to my regular doctor. This is a day I've been thinking about ever since my very first appointment with my RE when he told me he wanted to see me get to 10 weeks. I'm here!

Overall, I actually feel very good about this. For once, I am 99% confident that this appointment will be a good one. I actually don't have any real doubts that I will see the little Pea beating away. I don't know why I'm so positive. I know I'm farther along than all my other m/c's, so maybe that is it; but even after my 9 week appointment last week, I still didn't feel that good. I still had some doubts. But now they are gone. Am I finally getting used to the idea that I really will be having a baby? I hope so. I'd love to actually feel happy about pregnancy in general, instead of so emotional and so mixed on my feelings.

This may all have to do with my clothes. Not to complain, but they don't fit! I tried on a skirt and a pair of pants this morning that wouldn't even close, before I finally settled for my loose fiiting khaki's that are anything but loose right now. And when I push in my belly (which is always there - pregnancy or not), it's not as squishy anymore. It actually feels like something is there. It actually feels like I'm pregnant!

Symptoms still have not been strong. I know in a couple of weeks I'll be really thankful for that, but up until this point it has been a bit nerve-wracking. The nausea still comes and goes every once in awhile and I still have the bad metal-mouth taste. But the exhaustion has really set in. If I go to bed past 10:00 one night, the next night I'm in bed before 9:00 or I have to take a nap on the couch. And on the weekends I'm just too tired to go anywhere. I know that's typical - I'm just happy to be feeling it finally, because I didn't feel very tired until a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, overall I feel really good and really positive. I totally expect that in about an hour, I will see my little bean and I will cry tears of joy and I will say goodbye to my RE and call my regular doctor for an appointment. That's what I expect. It's hard for me to portray confidence because I did that with my last pregnancy and of course it ended. So it's scary. But it feels right - it really does.

I'll be back with good news.

Another Milestone Met

Huge sigh of relief after the appointment this week! I wasn't completely nervous about it, but of course I had my doubts. But it turned into a very encouraging visit - the best one yet.

My little Chickpea grew like a weed this last week! Baby T. measured at 8 weeks 3 days - 2 days ahead of schedule. And the heart rate was wonderful too - 180 bpm. I was so happy that I cried. I mostly cried because my last angel measured 8 weeks 1 day on that terrible Sunday in March when we learned she was no longer with us. I felt a big wave of relief to know that my baby had now progressed farther than that point. It's so encouraging to know that you've made it past another milestone. It makes this pregnancy more real each day.

Dr. B. also gave me some very encouraging words. He feels strongly that the baby is "out of the woods" as far as an early chromosome problem like last time. He said that with the growth it has shown and with the great increase in the heart rate, that this little one is going to make it. He was very positive and was very pleased with where I am. Of course he then suggested that I just come back in at 10 weeks, but again I put my foot down and said I'd feel much better if I came in at 9 weeks. He didn't put up a fight - he just said if that would make me more comfortable, then that is what we would do.

I was also happy because this was the first appointment where he actually mentioned due dates and OB's. Of course I know my due date from FF and websites, but it was the first time he actually pointed it out to me - April 12th. And he also made sure that I did have a regular OB to go to when we were done. And for the first time he asked me if I felt pregnant. Of course my answer was "sort of". I definitely have some clear symptoms, but not too many. So I felt like those were his ways of saying "this is really going to happen!".

So that was all great news and I celebrated later that night by treating myself to a cheeseburger and fries. That was about the best cheeseburger I've ever had! I followed all that up with a pluot (cross between a plum and an apricot) and with a few pickles, and then I felt very ill and went to bed. No puking or anything, but I definitely regretted that meal.

Anyway, I think I'm finally starting to cross over and believe that I am actually going to have a baby. I'm still not rushing out to the maternity stores and I'm still not ready to buy baby stuff, but I'm getting there. I will definitely still be anxious for my 9 week appointment and to see my little bean wiggling about again. That was the coolest thing. I actually saw little arm buds wiggling around and moving about. And there appear to be two arm buds and two leg buds, so that's good news. And only one head. All good.

So this weekend, I think I will drag out my pregnancy books that I've stashed in the spare closet and start reading up on my week-by-week progress again. I might even pull the knitting needles back out and start a baby blanket. Small steps. My head is actually starting to wrap around this and I'm beginning to think this may actually happen for us!