The Halfway Point

Today is pretty significant in my mind - I am 20 weeks and officially halfway through my pregnancy. Of course Pea may decide to stall and I could go 41 weeks or something like that, but based on the standard 40 weeks, I am halfway there. I couldn't be happier about this day - I'm just so thankful to be here.

It's funny though, if you told me just 6 months ago that around Thanksgiving I'd be 20 weeks pregnant, I would have laughed. It didn't seem possible. I'm still stunned when I think about how far along I am, and I still get a little nervous when people ask me about the baby - like it's too early to be talking about it. Even though it's getting quite obvious, it still feels strange to admit it or talk about my little girl. I'm not sure that will ever go away. Even when she's born, I probably won't feel like she's mine right away! I've actually felt guilty when people give me gifts for her - I just can't explain it.

But don't get me wrong - I am happy and I'm positive and I know everything will be ok. It's just hard to break out of the "if" mentality. Even now at 20 weeks.

I definitely had some misconceptions about what it would be like at 20 weeks:
- I thought I'd feel the baby kicking all the time. Nope, thanks to the anterior placenta. But I do think I'm starting to feel her more regularly. No strong kicks, but I definitely feel some more flutters in there.
- I thought I'd be very obviously pregnant-looking by now. Most people can tell I'm pregnant now, but I'm still not big enough for people to just come out and say something. People could easily mistake me for gaining some extra pounds if they aren't used to seeing pregnant women.
- I thought I'd feel completely confident. This goes with my statements above - I am happy, excited, positive, but still a little nervous. The world of FertilityFriend is excellent and has seriously gotten me to where I am today, but you are also exposed to so many terrible things that can happen. You see so many truly tragic stories that break your heart. I wouldn't change anything - I'm so glad I know about these things and have gotten to know these women, but it all goes back to the innocence lost. You try hard not to think about what can go wrong and you just have to assume at this point that everything will be ok. But I start to second guess myself - is it really time to buy a crib? What if something happens? I guess there will always be "ifs".

Hmmm, I think this post turned out to be kind of depressing, when it really is a celebratory day. I guess I'm just being reflective. I have too much time to think right now!

Happy 20 weeks, Pea! I can't believe we're halfway there to meeting you!