Baby Dynamics

As many of my online friends know (and I'm sure they can relate to stories like this themselves), after my miscarriages, I found out who were my true friends and who weren't. The true friends hugged me and told me they were sorry and just let me cry and be sad for as long as I needed. They didn't tell me what to feel, they didn't make insensitive comments (and if they did - they caught them and apologized). And most importantly, they continued to love me for who I was and were still my friends.

Then there were those people who didn't understand why I couldn't be "over it" yet and the ones who spouted out the "it was God's will" or "there was probably something wrong with the baby - it's better this way" remarks. Or even those who decided that they didn't want to be around me because I was too depressing and could not relate to them anymore because they had children.

There is one friend in particular that I have ranted about several times during all of my trials. This was the friend who told my best friend that she would just send me card after my first m/c and then wait a week before telling me she was pregnant so that I had enough time to "get over it". She's also the one who said "what makes me so sad is that our babies would have been so close to the same age". After the second m/c, she called and acted concerned about the fact that I was hosting her baby shower the next week, but it didn't go beyond that one call. It was forgotten after that - it was all about her. After the third m/c, she just didn't even bother to call or say anything. I guess she was tired of it.

After that third loss, I just gave up on her. I was pleasant enough when I saw her at Bunco, but I never called or emailed or initiated contact. It was just too hard to be around her and I was always too worried about what she might say. When I got pregnant again this summer, I decided that she would be the last to know - out of spite of course. I just didn't bother to call (which was easy). But our husbands are friends too and we all finally arranged to go to dinner last week. I figured she knew I was pregnant by then, but she didn't say anything. It turns out she didn't find out until John told her husband earlier that week before we went to dinner.

Well, she was absolutely ecstatic for me. She hugged me and smiled at me all night and gave me a baby gift. She called me to go to the movies over the weekend and was one of the first people to call me after my big u/s. At Bunco, she was the first to ask to see my u/s pictures and kept telling me how she wanted to help me and give me advice and help register. This is all great and I appreciate it, but what happened here? Why do I all of a sudden get all of this attention when I really needed it more last year? I'm not stupid - I know it's much easier to be happy with your friends than be sad with your friends. But it still really hurts my feelings.

You can't help the changing dynamics between your friends once a baby enters the picture. I can already see other friends without kids withdrawing a little, and that hurts too. I used to be in that same situation. We have friends who had kids and then were never seen again. I hate that it has to happen like that.

There really is no point of this post. It's just my observation of how everything seems to change. I guess some for the better, and some for the worse. But bringing a baby into our lives is something I am truly looking forward to and I wouldn't change that for anything. I know we're in for a very different life, but bring it on! I can't wait to enter parenthood.

I wish some things could stay the same forever, but I guess that's life. But I will try my best to include my friends who don't have kids and will let them make their own choices about whether they want to see me. I guess the commercials are right "A baby changes everything". But I will make sure those who have stood by me for the long haul know how much I appreciate their love and support. I guess that's all I can do.